feeling guilty about feeling relieved

So about #3 from Sunday night, I am not pregnant. I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I am feeling a bit guilty about how relieved I was. We are just so not prepared to have another baby.

Having children has been a given for me for as long as I can remember. It was a “when” as opposed to an “if”. I have always loved children and have desired to be a Mom since I was young. When T and I decided to get married, having kids continued to be a “when”. We never had the heated discussions or months of angonizing that some of our friends and relatives have had. To be honest, I wouldn’t have married T if he hadn’t wanted children. To throw a little Dr. Phil in there, it would have been a deal breaker!

As much as we both wanted kids, T and I have been rather overwhelmed by how difficult it has been. Our kids are kicking our butts! I still can’t believe how constant it is. There is never a moment when we are free from responsiblilty and concern for these little people. Our children are delightful, smart, witty and incredibly loving. We are proud to be their parents. They make us laugh (like tonight when N annouced that a cemetary is like a big train with lots a lots a lots a lots a cars where people go to ride around) and smile and cry with joy. They also drive us completely crazy and bring out ugly parts of our personalities that we never knew existed. They are exhausing and non stop. It is seriously hard work to be the kind of parents we strive to be. We know that it is worth it but we are pretty much worn out.

A couple of summers ago T and I left our kids then 3 and 1 with my parents and went up to my family’s cottage for a few days ALONE. We could not believe how free we felt. It’s like the responsibility of parenting is a literal weight we are constantly carrying. We chose to carry it and are happy to, it’s just that sometimes it gets, well, heavy. Those few days were amazing. We got to sleep in without having to debate over which one of us would get up with the kids in the morning. We ate when we wanted, napped if we felt like it, listened to whatever music we wanted to. We got to be blissfully selfish. I remember crying one of the days because I was starting to feel like a person again as opposed to a Mommy. It was so wonderful to not have to change diapers, keep to a schedule, lug 300 things down to the beach just to swim for three minutes and be done, deal with crying, discipline or be consistant. I cherish those few days we had alone. It renewed our marriage and reminded us that we don’t just love our family, we love each other. In fact, we are still very much in love with each other.

When we talked about having kids, T and I wanted to have 3 or 4. We liked the idea of a larger family. Once we had N and realized how hard this parenting gig is, we downsized a little in our minds. Even now that we have decided not to have anymore children, we still flip flop occasionally. We have the love and resources for another child. Our kids would love another sibling. I am really close to my sister and feel sad sometimes to think that G will never have a sister or N a brother. Part of me wonders if we’ll regret not having more kids when our kids start having families of their own. I hope not.

What I do know is that I have a responsibility to give my best to the children I have now. I don’t think I could handle another baby right now. With where our kids are at I don’t know how I would survive another pregnancy and newborn stage. I used to feel like I was drowning but most days now, I swim. Sometimes it’s slow, sometimes it’s more of a thrashing about but it’s swimming with forward motion, none the less. I just want to keep swimming.

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