still climbing…

Last night was a first for us. T and I slept in our house without any kids for the first time in over 5 years! My Mom took both of the kids for a sleepover. They were excited and so were we! We checked out a little Greek place, went for homemade frozen yogurt and then sat under the gazebo on our deck chatting and watching the rain fall. It was good to spend some time together and have a conversation that wasn’t salted with constant interruptions and flying food.

It has been so long since T and I spent time together. I miss him. I really love being a parent and would never change that but sometimes it is so incredibly draining (Ok, it’s exhausting all the time but sometimes more than others!). I find it so ironic that we chose to spend our lives together, decided to have kids to build a family and a future together and then discovered that it is those very children who wreak the most havoc on our relationship.

Having kids has been hard on our marriage. Both of them have been a major adjustment and have brought out different stress for each of us. The year N was born we bought a new car, our first house, I went on maternity leave which cut our budget by over 30%, we had to adjust to having a baby and figuring out how to do life as parents and then T lost his job very suddenly when the company went bankrupt. He got a new job right away that was a total blessing but with it came a lot of craziness of it’s own that I won’t bother getting into. Oh and did I mention the financial strain? Losing several paycheques and our own stupidity gave us both gut rot. So, it was a tough transition!

When G came along she brought different changes to our family. I found going from one child to two completely overwhelming. It was was more than double the work and took me a long time to figure out how to manage. T was working all the time and both of our families lived far away so I was alone a lot. My friends all have kids of their own so I was hardpressed to ask anyone to watch my kids so I could have a break. There were many days that I just couldn’t face a playdate because I couldn’t bear the thought of being around more kids. With four or more kids running around my friends and I didn’t really get a chance to chat anyway so it all felt like a big stressful event rather than a relief. In hindsight, getting out more would have helped but what did I know! I started working at my dayhome again when G was 5 months old. I was pretty much alone with kids all day everyday and a lot of evenings too. No wonder I had a complete meltdown and ended up on anti-depressants!

We have worked really hard at bringing stability and peace back into our lives. Considering the constant pressure we have been under since Christmas, we have manged it all quite well. There have been very few tears or arguments. T has a new job where he works from home. It has been a big personal adjustment for him but a complete blessing for our family. He is here and present in our lives in a way that he has never been able to before. Our new house is amazing. We have family support. Yet, I am afraid. In fact, I’m terrified to have this baby. I feel like I am at the end of my internal resources. We’ve gotten through deciding to move, telling various people (particularly T’s family whom we moved farther away from), T working out the new job, selling and buying houses, packing, moving across the country and for the most part, unpacking. At this point, I’d like nothing more than to go to the cottage for 2 weeks and just hang out. I’d like to focus on building our new lives here and getting our kids really settled. I’d like to join a book club, go camping, go to the market, cook with my husband. Instead, I am washing baby clothes, arranging a diaper service and stocking the cupboards and freezer for the arrival of our newest addition. I don’t know how to emotionally ramp up for another major life event. I’m not sure how the kids are going to adjust to a new sibling. I have no idea where everyone is going to sleep and when on earth I will ever sleep again! I worry about getting to the hospital in time, what we’ll do with the kids and what kind of havoc this birth will wreak on my body. I worry about our marriage and our mental and emotional health.

I guess I’m on that rollercoaster again slowly climbing towards the crest of the hill. I still find myself sweating, teeth chatter, praying out loud that all will be well. Oh, Lord, please let it all work out.

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