letters

Dear fellow parent,

It was nice to meet you the other day and to have someone to chat with while our kids were taking lessons. Even though we seem to have almost nothing in common (you like big trucks, smoking and power tools and well, I don’t), we had lots to talk about. Here’s the thing though, the toenail picking has to stop. Were you even aware of how totally engrossed you got in ripping off your toenails? Did you catch yourself looking at them up close and then throwing them in a pile behind you? Did you notice that I threw up in my mouth a little bit every time you did that? Please, PLEASE refrain from the “personal grooming” in public or I will likely wretch myself into labour.

Yours truly,

Rachel

Dear Government worker,

I know that people are a pain and that you go though a lot of hassles on a daily basis but seriously, did you have to start out yelling at me? Did you have to roll your eyes at me when I brought you the documents one of your fellow employees told me would suffice? Did you have to look around like I was stupid and then insist I describe the appearance of the individual who gave me such errant advice last week? Did you have to treat me like an idiot who enjoyed wasting your precious time? Maybe next time you could realize how frustrating it is to obtain any government issued document particularly at nine months pregnant, in the ridiculous humidity with two kids in tow for the second time in a week? I’m sure you’re a nice person in your “real” life but I hope I never have to deal with you again. You kind of wrecked that part of my day.

Sincerely,

Rachel

To the Provincial Government,

In the words of my daughter, “you’re stupid”.

That’s all.

Rachel

To my body,

DON’T GIVE UP NOW! I need you to be strong for just a few more weeks. Back, come on. I need some support. If you could stop acting like a broken guitar string every time I move I’d appreicate it. Blood, lay off the pooling in my hips and waking me with stabbing pains every 45 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG. Uterus, get off my bladder, stomach and any other organ you are abusing! And enough with the crowding of my diaphragm already. Seriously parts, you’re all acting like a bunch of broken down old women. I can’t flake out on my responsibilities so if you could keep fulfilling your’s I’d be much happier. Just get me though the next few weeks and I’ll do something nice for you like lose all my baby weight this time! Let’s be a team and we’ll all be better for it.

With love,

Rachel

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