just where i didn’t want to be

The end of my pregnancy with G felt like an eternal nightmare. I was 4cm dilated for a perversly long time (around 4 weeks). My cervix was stripped, stretched and begged to get it over with already but did nothing more than irritate me for the longest time. My doctor assured me that I would be early, especially since my son was a week early. She said “see you tonight” with a big perky grin no less than three times. I might have punched her the third time had it not been for those “abuse will not be tolerated” signs posted all over the office. I tried pretty much everything to convince my cervix to dilate those last 6 cm but the most I got was wussy contractions and a lot of cramps. So, so worth it. Finally, when I was exhausted, frustrated and in constant pain my doctor booked me to be induced at 6am on April 26th. Guess when our little bundle of joy decided to arrive? 11:27pm on April 25th. With three hours of labour. And no drugs.

This time, I have been determined to be all relaxed and cool about the end of my pregnancy. I’ve mentally “prepared” to go overdue. Things are ready but unless you went into our bedroom, you really wouldn’t know that we are about to have a baby. Little evidence exists around the house. I was planning on going places everyday and then one day being all, “T, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve got these pains that keep coming and going. Know what that could be about?” and then going to the hospital and popping out a baby (Yes, I have given birth before but please, allow me my dilusions to get me though!). Everything was good until about last week when something clicked inside of me. Now I am a wreck. Total ball of panic and terror. I’m afraid to go anywhere without my husband. I don’t really want to leave the house. I’m worried sick about what we are going to do with the kids when I go into labour and if someone will get here in time (I keep picturing having to drag our kids along with us to L&D). I’m hardly sleeping because of back pain. Every time I go to the bathroom I am afraid that the baby will drop right out of me (baby is VERY low). I keep wondering when, how, where it will all begin and how long it will take. Will it be less than 3 hours? What if it’s longer? I didn’t want to think about it and now I find myself evaluating every cramp and twinge (and trust me, there are many).

I was at the doctor’s this afternoon. She wanted to check me so we could see where “we” were at. So now I know. And I don’t feel any better. I’m 3 cm dilated, “quite” effaced and the baby is super low. Do you know what she said to me (after she absolutely hammered on my cervix without warning me)? “We just might see you tonight!”. Thanks! That pretty much ensured a night of cramping and wondering followed by a whole lot of nothin’ doing! So much for my zen plan. Right now I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be. Anxious and wondering.

T’s parents arrive tomorrow for a week. I’m hoping that having them here will help me to relax because at least we won’t have to worry about the kids IF I go into labour while they are here.

I almost forgot! I do have a date for induction so I at least can be assured that I won’t have to go overdue with this little one.

test Filed under And baby makes 5 |