pincer

week in review

Start out week with intentions of getting out of the house everyday, keeping up with chores and not losing your temper: check

Promise yourself that you won’t complain about the hideous, stupid, endless snow only to do so daily: check

Give up all good intentions by noon on Monday: check

Ignore laundry until it reaches out and begs to be washed: check

Have neighbours drop in for a visit when house looks as though it was ransacked by robbers: check

Actually respond when your son calls you by the dogs name because you didn’t even notice until your husband laughed out loud: check

Traumatize oldest child when he overhears you announce to your husband that you are moving out: check

Wonder why on earth oldest is bawling in his room only to discover he really thought you were moving out: check

Take kids to park because you are a SUPER! FUN! Mom only to have your daughter take out your 18 month old next door neighbour: check

Make kids leave park and have to listen to all three of them scream the entire way home: check

Make a public spectacle of yourself (see above): check

Discover that your daughter who has insisted she is allergic to peanuts since she could speak and you just thought she was being dramatic is in fact quite allergic to both peanuts and tree nuts: check*

Feel like a complete asshat and hang your head in shame: check

Make husband mad and almost get into an argument because you keep saying “I feel so bad” over and over: check

Rejoice that it is the weekend and resolve to try again next week: check

*more on this later

oh spring, where are you?

I miss my kids cute little faces.

note to self

Two nights ago as I was climbing into bed, I discovered a pool of chocolate between the sheets. Upon investigation, it seems that two of our children (who will continue to remain nameless!) hid several Easter eggs in our bed on Sunday afternoon as part of an impromptu egg hunt. I guess that explains why my pj’s were covered in melted chocolate when I changed on Monday. How I made it almost to noon without noticing that I had chocolate all over my left hip is a sad commentary on the current state of my appearance.

Note to self: Look in mirror occasionally.

redefined

I’ve got to tell you, my world is a better place these days. Since my sleep deprived insanity has lifted, I find myself actually looking forward to the days ahead of me instead of plotting ways to escape them. The headache I had for three straight months is gone. I haven’t thrown up from exhaustion in over a month (except for the day my perfectionism overtook me and I attempted to shovel 40 cm of snow from the driveway by myself and ended up nearly passing out and then puking for 2 hours… I’m thinking I’m a bit out of shape?). I am enjoying playing with my kids. Helping them make balloon fish. Baking and cooking for reasons other than sustenance. Taking pictures. Being creative. I’ve started knitting again and I just MIGHT finish the scarf I started for my sister in December 2006 but you know, don’t count on it Bisto! I’ve also been slowly working through the backlog of details that need my attention but I never had time or brains for. Stuff like paying bills on time, submitting receipts to insurance for reimbursement, calling the government to find out why on earth I’m still not receiving any money for the baby I had back in August.

It feels good to lie down at night and know that my day was successful. I’m a list maker and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment to to see my whiteboard full of slash marks at the end of a day. Much more importantly, I have been able to fall asleep at night without agonizing over all the things I screwed up during the day and the ways that I failed my children, my husband and let’s be honest, everyone around me. Before all I could think about was the times I yelled, said no because I was too tired or said yes and didn’t come through. I was heavy with guilt over the times I was late, meals I didn’t make, crafts I didn’t do, books that remained on the shelf, time that wasn’t spent, interest we paid because I forgot, cards and gifts I wanted to buy but didn’t… With sleep came freedom. I could be more like the person I want to be and was able to let go of the guilt that did nothing but hold me deeper under the water I was already drowning in.

I have also been able to accept that we have a new normal. The reality for us is that three children is a whole lot more kids than two, especially when one is a baby. There is a level of chaos that never dissipates. Since I found out I was pregnant with Baby J, I have assumed that once he was sleeping through the night that life would return to normal. The funny thing is, I can’t remember what that is anymore! I know that our life is busier. There is more to balance and do in a day but it is also much richer and deeper. And busier…

Accepting a new sense of normal also means redefining what is possible and being realistic about what we can all handle. Last week I purchased a chicken with the intention of cooking a full Easter meal for our family. I wanted to do something special to mark Easter and for me, that is often expressed through good food. Once the weekend drew closer, I saw how busy we had been during the week. That G wasn’t feeling well. That our house was a mess and needed to be cleaned. I looked around my kitchen and realized that in order to cook a big dinner that I would have to first clean it and then start again. My perfectionistic side wanted to make it all happen but in my heart, I knew that there would be a cost to the wonderful meal that was too high. This Easter we went to McDonald’s (insert gag) for lunch because that was what our kids really wanted to do and then we had friends over and made home made pizza’s for supper. Sunday was an amazing day. If I had pushed through and made that fancy dinner we might not have taken the time to have a life changing conversation with our son. That was a big wake up for me.

Our new normal is going to include more of the word, “no” and “how about this instead?”. We are going to disappoint people sometimes, including ourselves (we recently decided not to continue attending a home group we enjoy because it is not working for our family right now) but I can live with that way more easily than crippling guilt and a broken family.

it’s a lion

March, you came in like a lion. Now you are supposed to get on with the leaving like a lamb bit…

idiosyncrasies

Idiosyncrasies. We’ve all got them. They make each of us unique. Here are some of mine:

1. I can’t sleep if the opening on my pillowcase is facing the inside of the bed. Same for my husband’s pillow. I feel like it is going to bite me if it is facing towards me. I even switch the kids pillows around if they are facing the “wrong” way.

2. I hate having my head touched (unless, of course, you are offering a head rub!).

3. All things need to feel equal and balanced. My ponytail needs to be exactly centered or it makes me nuts. Both sleeves need to be pulled up to the same part of my arm or not at all. I brush my teeth the same number of times on each side, every time. Hands in both pockets or neither. If I’m lucky enough to have one hand, foot or shoulder rubbed, I need to “make it even” and have the other one done too.

4. I don’t like my socks to be touching the tips of my toes. I always pull them forwards a bit.

5. This on is my Mom’s fault: Anything in my cupboards with a label on it needs to be right side up with the (english) label facing forwards. No upside down soup cans with the french side facing out here!

What about you? Want to share?

it’s baaa-aaaaack

little darling

Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it’s all right…

“Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles

word play

This morning we put up an entire solar system in my son’s bedroom. As we were attaching the planets to the ceiling, he noticed that there were only 8 planets in the pile and cried, “Oh no! Mom, Uranus is missing!”. I nearly died of laughter and he still can’t figure out why!