redefined

I’ve got to tell you, my world is a better place these days. Since my sleep deprived insanity has lifted, I find myself actually looking forward to the days ahead of me instead of plotting ways to escape them. The headache I had for three straight months is gone. I haven’t thrown up from exhaustion in over a month (except for the day my perfectionism overtook me and I attempted to shovel 40 cm of snow from the driveway by myself and ended up nearly passing out and then puking for 2 hours… I’m thinking I’m a bit out of shape?). I am enjoying playing with my kids. Helping them make balloon fish. Baking and cooking for reasons other than sustenance. Taking pictures. Being creative. I’ve started knitting again and I just MIGHT finish the scarf I started for my sister in December 2006 but you know, don’t count on it Bisto! I’ve also been slowly working through the backlog of details that need my attention but I never had time or brains for. Stuff like paying bills on time, submitting receipts to insurance for reimbursement, calling the government to find out why on earth I’m still not receiving any money for the baby I had back in August.

It feels good to lie down at night and know that my day was successful. I’m a list maker and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment to to see my whiteboard full of slash marks at the end of a day. Much more importantly, I have been able to fall asleep at night without agonizing over all the things I screwed up during the day and the ways that I failed my children, my husband and let’s be honest, everyone around me. Before all I could think about was the times I yelled, said no because I was too tired or said yes and didn’t come through. I was heavy with guilt over the times I was late, meals I didn’t make, crafts I didn’t do, books that remained on the shelf, time that wasn’t spent, interest we paid because I forgot, cards and gifts I wanted to buy but didn’t… With sleep came freedom. I could be more like the person I want to be and was able to let go of the guilt that did nothing but hold me deeper under the water I was already drowning in.

I have also been able to accept that we have a new normal. The reality for us is that three children is a whole lot more kids than two, especially when one is a baby. There is a level of chaos that never dissipates. Since I found out I was pregnant with Baby J, I have assumed that once he was sleeping through the night that life would return to normal. The funny thing is, I can’t remember what that is anymore! I know that our life is busier. There is more to balance and do in a day but it is also much richer and deeper. And busier…

Accepting a new sense of normal also means redefining what is possible and being realistic about what we can all handle. Last week I purchased a chicken with the intention of cooking a full Easter meal for our family. I wanted to do something special to mark Easter and for me, that is often expressed through good food. Once the weekend drew closer, I saw how busy we had been during the week. That G wasn’t feeling well. That our house was a mess and needed to be cleaned. I looked around my kitchen and realized that in order to cook a big dinner that I would have to first clean it and then start again. My perfectionistic side wanted to make it all happen but in my heart, I knew that there would be a cost to the wonderful meal that was too high. This Easter we went to McDonald’s (insert gag) for lunch because that was what our kids really wanted to do and then we had friends over and made home made pizza’s for supper. Sunday was an amazing day. If I had pushed through and made that fancy dinner we might not have taken the time to have a life changing conversation with our son. That was a big wake up for me.

Our new normal is going to include more of the word, “no” and “how about this instead?”. We are going to disappoint people sometimes, including ourselves (we recently decided not to continue attending a home group we enjoy because it is not working for our family right now) but I can live with that way more easily than crippling guilt and a broken family.

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