by the grace of God

This morning I found out that a friend from college lost her husband in a car accident on Saturday. He was 33 years old. They have a four year old, a two year old and are expecting their third child in October. My friend is a widow at 32. She is planning her husband’s funeral while she sits at her daughter’s bedside in a hospital hours away from their home. One minute they were driving to BC with a summer of swimming, camping and bbq’s ahead of them and the next, tumbling through the air, forever changed. It is truly beyond me.

At times today I felt almost panicky thinking about it. I have always struggled with the fear that something terrible will happen to my husband or my children. I have a hard time letting my kids drive with anyone other than my husband or I. The first time they slept away from home I was nearly sick. It’s even hard for me to leave them so I can enjoy some grown up time. I welcome the break but find waving goodbye so very hard. What if it’s the last time I see one of them? Last weekend I found tears running down my face as I backed out of the driveway for a much needed night away. All three of my kids were waving madly and my husband was laughing. I took a mental snap shot of their beautiful, smiling faces and trusted that God would walk us through whatever lay ahead. It’s not that I’m morbid or that I spend a lot of time playing out imaginary scenarios in my head but when I hear about accidents like the one that happen to my friend, I think, “that could have been us”. It was only a year ago that we were driving on that same stretch of highway, at times through heavy rain and fog. Several times I took off my seatbelt and reached into the backseat to help one of the kids. It could have been us but by the grace of God, it wasn’t.

Last week I took my eldest to an allergist appointment an hour away. About half way into our drive we both needed to go to the bathroom. There is a Tim Horton’s on the corner where two highway’s intersect. As I was completing my turn into the parking lot, our back bumper was struck by a semi-truck that had been driving behind us. There was very little damage to our van since it was really just a graze but never-the-less, we were hit by a semi (Incidentally, the driver flipped me “the bird” and continued on his merry way. Later, the police discovered that his plates were stolen.)! When I thought about what happened later that day all I could think was that my son was sitting in that corner of the van and if we had been just one or two seconds later… well, the outcome might have been quite different. By the grace of God, it wasn’t.

It’s hard not to be overwhelmed by the fragility of life. I now have three friends my age who are widows with young children. Last week a woman I have been praying for died of cancer. She was 35 and had two young boys. My brother’s childhood friend had emergency brain surgery last week to remove an aggressive tumor and will find out his future prognosis this week. That doesn’t even take the news into consideration. Africa, Iraq, China…

When I hear of human tragedy, part of me would like nothing more than to put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and sing, “lalalalalala”. Instead, today I didn’t worry about the chores that needed to be done when my kids wanted a hug or a story or an airplane ride, I went into my husband’s office just to tell him that I love him and I made sure we all ended the day well. These are all things I try to do everyday but today, I was more mindful. I am reminded to live and give my best and to walk in thanks for God’s amazing grace.

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