winded

Hello internet! I have missed you. I’ve even written to you many times. The problem is that it was always in my head at 3AM during a recent bout with insomnia. Come morning, all of my elegant words faded with the daylight.

I’m just going to be straight up with you. It has been a tough start to the year. There has been a lot of joy and laughter but also an off balance amount of yucky stuff. The kids have been sick for nearly 2 months now. They’ve been alternating the flu, colds, ear infections and every other contagious germ that blew by them on the breeze. Right now we are towards the end of a particularly rough bout with the flu. I’ve done more laundry in the last week than the entire month previous. I have to ask: why do my children only seem to throw up in the middle of the night, after they have consumed blueberries or chocolate on the cream coloured carpet that lies UNDER the bucket and towel I carefully laid by their bedside?

In the midst of doling out antibiotics, liberal hugs and fresh piles of laundry, I’ve been struggling. I have been feeling really sad, unmotivated, agitated, obsessive yet entirely lazy, unattractive and lonely . Great combination, no? Last Monday I FINALLY realized the cycle I was in and decided to do something about it. Life is about making good choices. It’s up to me whether I see the beauty that surrounds me, whether I embrace the good stuff that is always there and whether the bloody dishes get done of not.

Tuesday morning I started mission PULL MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS and get on with the good stuff. A large part of my plan was to get more sleep, some time to myself and to work hard on my photography so I can get the business that swims inside my head going. Yeah Tuesday! It was hard with a feverish, clingy baby but I was gonna do it. Oh yes I was!

And then Wednesday came. It was one of those days that conspires against you from the minute you wake up. A day where you have to laugh or you will break down and cry. I shook my fist at Wednesday and gave it a swift kick in the butt. Right until supper time when the tables got turned and I got the wind knocked out of me. Picture me at 5PM chatting with the kids, helping Tuck with his spelling words, holding Mr. Baby, stir frying some delicious smelling curry… Mr. T came into the kitchen and asked me to come upstairs and talk to him. I laughed and told him I was a tad busy so he’d have to talk to me in the kitchen or wait. He asked me to come up as soon as I could and then disappeared back into his office. Thinking nothing of it, I added the coconut milk to the curry and then dashed upstairs to find out what he needed while it simmered. “Tell me quick, I need to get back to dinner,” I said as I walked into the room. I don’t remember his exact words but it was something along the lines of, “um, so it looks like I might not have a job in 6-8 weeks”. I’m pretty sure I heard a needle ripping along a record as he said that. HUH? I felt a strong sense of dejavu and a whole lot of nausea. And then I ran back to the kitchen so dinner didn’t burn! Mr. T followed me and tried to answer as I fired question after question at him. And then we stood hugging in the middle of the kitchen while our kids played around us and the curry simmered on the stove wondering what on earth we were going to do.

We still don’t quite know but there is a plan percolating. And there is peace that God will provide as he always has. That things will be ok even if we don’t know what they will look like right now.

What I want to remember about this experience is the many blessings we’ve already encountered. That even when it’s hard, life can be lived joyfully. That everyday brings with it the choice to embrace that day and all that it brings or to be smothered by it. That love matters more than anything else. And specifically:

* The love our family and friends have showered on us. Feel supported? Check!
* My littlest guy clinging to me, arms wrapped around my neck, head resting on my shoulder muttering, “mama, mama, mama” over and over. Sometimes (ok, all the time if you are Mr. Baby) only Mama can make it right.
* On the weekend we told the kids that there are probably going to be some changes at Daddy’s work and that we’re going to have to cut down on our spending to save some extra money. Tuck goes, “I’ve got lots of money in my piggy bank. I can go get it and give it to you to put in your bank account if you want”. We both teared up and told him that was very sweet but that Mommy and Daddy’s bank account is ok and that he doesn’t need to worry about it. He replied, “ok but if you ever need it you can just let me know and I’ll give it all to you. No problem at all”. That kid SLAYS me.
* Perspective. Beauty came into our room at 2am last Wednesday night (hours after the bomb got dropped) and proceeded to throw up for the rest of the night. Thursday night Tuck kept us up most of the night with his version of the flu and then slept through his family birthday party the next evening. Saturday night Mr. Baby barfed himself senseless and required 2 baths during the night. He has not eaten since then and continues to empty himself into his pants (and socks!) multiple times a day. Bad timing? A bit but really, it all just reminds me that what matters in my life is our family. No matter how crazy things get, those kids keep us grounded and cognizant of what is important.
* I am thankful to have a loving God who is steady and unchanging. Not everyone believes that but to me, it’s real and I am so glad.
* I haven’t really cried over this whole thing. I think I was too shocked at first and then mad and then too focused on moving forward to bother. I did have a brief moment last Friday when Tuck told me his school shoes don’t fit him anymore and that he needed some new ones. Normally I would say sure, add it to my list and go buy him some new ones. Suddenly, I’m not sure if we can afford to spend the money, where I should buy them, how much I should spend. It really sucked to feel like I might not be able to get my kids something they need so I cried on Mr. T’s strong shoulder and then prayed about it. The next day my good friend the pedorthist called to tell me she’s going to hook our kids up with running shoes for the spring. So COOL (and humbling).

So that’s my update! How are things with you?

test Filed under A time to cry, Blessed, Family |