just where i didn’t want to be
The end of my pregnancy with G felt like an eternal nightmare. I was 4cm dilated for a perversly long time (around 4 weeks). My cervix was stripped, stretched and begged to get it over with already but did nothing more than irritate me for the longest time. My doctor assured me that I would be early, especially since my son was a week early. She said “see you tonight” with a big perky grin no less than three times. I might have punched her the third time had it not been for those “abuse will not be tolerated” signs posted all over the office. I tried pretty much everything to convince my cervix to dilate those last 6 cm but the most I got was wussy contractions and a lot of cramps. So, so worth it. Finally, when I was exhausted, frustrated and in constant pain my doctor booked me to be induced at 6am on April 26th. Guess when our little bundle of joy decided to arrive? 11:27pm on April 25th. With three hours of labour. And no drugs.
This time, I have been determined to be all relaxed and cool about the end of my pregnancy. I’ve mentally “prepared” to go overdue. Things are ready but unless you went into our bedroom, you really wouldn’t know that we are about to have a baby. Little evidence exists around the house. I was planning on going places everyday and then one day being all, “T, it’s the weirdest thing, I’ve got these pains that keep coming and going. Know what that could be about?” and then going to the hospital and popping out a baby (Yes, I have given birth before but please, allow me my dilusions to get me though!). Everything was good until about last week when something clicked inside of me. Now I am a wreck. Total ball of panic and terror. I’m afraid to go anywhere without my husband. I don’t really want to leave the house. I’m worried sick about what we are going to do with the kids when I go into labour and if someone will get here in time (I keep picturing having to drag our kids along with us to L&D). I’m hardly sleeping because of back pain. Every time I go to the bathroom I am afraid that the baby will drop right out of me (baby is VERY low). I keep wondering when, how, where it will all begin and how long it will take. Will it be less than 3 hours? What if it’s longer? I didn’t want to think about it and now I find myself evaluating every cramp and twinge (and trust me, there are many).
I was at the doctor’s this afternoon. She wanted to check me so we could see where “we” were at. So now I know. And I don’t feel any better. I’m 3 cm dilated, “quite” effaced and the baby is super low. Do you know what she said to me (after she absolutely hammered on my cervix without warning me)? “We just might see you tonight!”. Thanks! That pretty much ensured a night of cramping and wondering followed by a whole lot of nothin’ doing! So much for my zen plan. Right now I’m exactly where I didn’t want to be. Anxious and wondering.
T’s parents arrive tomorrow for a week. I’m hoping that having them here will help me to relax because at least we won’t have to worry about the kids IF I go into labour while they are here.
I almost forgot! I do have a date for induction so I at least can be assured that I won’t have to go overdue with this little one.
Filed under And baby makes 5 | Comment (0)going green
One of the many reasons we chose to live in our new city is because of it’s focus on environmentalism. It is a very “green” city. As in they pick up recycling and composting weekly but only take trash every second week. Coming from a large city that doesn’t even have curbside recycling, it’s rather refreshing. Imagine, taking care of our world instead of just drilling for oil and polluting it!
Keeping with the “green” theme, I went ahead and did something I hope I won’t regret! I signed up for a cloth diaper service. No more ’sposies in this house. No more killing trees and piling poop in landfills. This service brings you all the fitted (as in fit just like disposables) diapers you need (they start with 70/week but will give you more if you need). They provide a diaper pail and drawstring liner. All you need to do is take off the diaper, roll it up poop and all and toss it in the pail. Once a week you drop the bag on your front porch and it is replaced with clean, sanitized diapers (even their cleaning process is environmentally friendly). It ends up costing less per month than disposables so really, there is nothing to lose. I only had to commit to 4 weeks of service so if we really hate it we can cancel after a month. If we still are using the service after 6 months then I might buy my own diapers and wash them at home.
We’ll see how it all goes!
Filed under And baby makes 5 | Comment (0)still climbing…
Last night was a first for us. T and I slept in our house without any kids for the first time in over 5 years! My Mom took both of the kids for a sleepover. They were excited and so were we! We checked out a little Greek place, went for homemade frozen yogurt and then sat under the gazebo on our deck chatting and watching the rain fall. It was good to spend some time together and have a conversation that wasn’t salted with constant interruptions and flying food.
It has been so long since T and I spent time together. I miss him. I really love being a parent and would never change that but sometimes it is so incredibly draining (Ok, it’s exhausting all the time but sometimes more than others!). I find it so ironic that we chose to spend our lives together, decided to have kids to build a family and a future together and then discovered that it is those very children who wreak the most havoc on our relationship.
Having kids has been hard on our marriage. Both of them have been a major adjustment and have brought out different stress for each of us. The year N was born we bought a new car, our first house, I went on maternity leave which cut our budget by over 30%, we had to adjust to having a baby and figuring out how to do life as parents and then T lost his job very suddenly when the company went bankrupt. He got a new job right away that was a total blessing but with it came a lot of craziness of it’s own that I won’t bother getting into. Oh and did I mention the financial strain? Losing several paycheques and our own stupidity gave us both gut rot. So, it was a tough transition!
When G came along she brought different changes to our family. I found going from one child to two completely overwhelming. It was was more than double the work and took me a long time to figure out how to manage. T was working all the time and both of our families lived far away so I was alone a lot. My friends all have kids of their own so I was hardpressed to ask anyone to watch my kids so I could have a break. There were many days that I just couldn’t face a playdate because I couldn’t bear the thought of being around more kids. With four or more kids running around my friends and I didn’t really get a chance to chat anyway so it all felt like a big stressful event rather than a relief. In hindsight, getting out more would have helped but what did I know! I started working at my dayhome again when G was 5 months old. I was pretty much alone with kids all day everyday and a lot of evenings too. No wonder I had a complete meltdown and ended up on anti-depressants!
We have worked really hard at bringing stability and peace back into our lives. Considering the constant pressure we have been under since Christmas, we have manged it all quite well. There have been very few tears or arguments. T has a new job where he works from home. It has been a big personal adjustment for him but a complete blessing for our family. He is here and present in our lives in a way that he has never been able to before. Our new house is amazing. We have family support. Yet, I am afraid. In fact, I’m terrified to have this baby. I feel like I am at the end of my internal resources. We’ve gotten through deciding to move, telling various people (particularly T’s family whom we moved farther away from), T working out the new job, selling and buying houses, packing, moving across the country and for the most part, unpacking. At this point, I’d like nothing more than to go to the cottage for 2 weeks and just hang out. I’d like to focus on building our new lives here and getting our kids really settled. I’d like to join a book club, go camping, go to the market, cook with my husband. Instead, I am washing baby clothes, arranging a diaper service and stocking the cupboards and freezer for the arrival of our newest addition. I don’t know how to emotionally ramp up for another major life event. I’m not sure how the kids are going to adjust to a new sibling. I have no idea where everyone is going to sleep and when on earth I will ever sleep again! I worry about getting to the hospital in time, what we’ll do with the kids and what kind of havoc this birth will wreak on my body. I worry about our marriage and our mental and emotional health.
I guess I’m on that rollercoaster again slowly climbing towards the crest of the hill. I still find myself sweating, teeth chatter, praying out loud that all will be well. Oh, Lord, please let it all work out.
Filed under And baby makes 5, Family, Me, me, me, me | Comment (0)so and so
Dear Little baby so and so (as we fondly like to refer to you),
Well hello there! I’ve got a feeling that you knew your Mom was having a hard time connecting to the reality of your existence. One night last week you suddenly twisted into an awkward position that literally made me sit up and take notice. Since then you have turned my stomach into some kind of wild kindergym. Around 10:00 every night you start wiggling and squirming in an apparent attempt to escape my womb just under the left side of my ribs. After a few minutes we can literally see limbs poking out the side of my stomach. It’s all rather uncomfortable but amazing none the less!
Thanks for helping me to focus on you and connect to you. I’ve enjoyed watching you make your presence known. Even your brother and sister have noticed my contorting belly (you actually kicked G in the face yesterday when she was singing to you!). I’m so glad that you aren’t going to take this whole being the third child thing lightly. You are going to make sure everyone in this house knows that you are here and that you want to be heard. Good for you little one.
If I may, I have one request. Would you consider rescheduling your parties to a more convenient hour of the day? I’m all good with the 10pm shake down. It’s just the 2am raving that is wearing me out. If I’m not up peeing or constantly shifting trying to find a comfortable position, I’d really like to be sleeping. You seem to have a problem with that. I so need to sleep because in a very short while you are going to be here live and in person. So please, little love, cut your Mom some slack and let me get some rest.
Love,
Mommy
Filed under And baby makes 5 | Comment (0)pregnancy is challenging
Because when you get into the tub the water level rises by 12 inches and if you move too quickly there is a tidal wave.
Because you have do contort your body into strange positions in order to shave your legs or file your heels but then you throw your back out if you actually manage to contort that way.
Because your boobs take over the focal point of all pictures… not to mention your belly and butt!
Because when you were already needing to lose a “couple” of pounds when you got knocked up, you get your own area code at 7 months pregnant. I’d imagine I’ll be declared a new province by my 9th month. Hopefully I’ll be able to set my own tax rates.
Because looking at food can cause you to suddenly gain 2 pounds and if you have been craving that food, probably more.
Because your 5 year old tells you that you are looking kind of huge, sort of like the Beluga whale at the Vancouver Aquarium.
Because unless you sit down and cross your legs while laughing, coughing, sneezing, crying or blowing your nose (and well, let’s be honest, pretty much any other activity), you will pee your pants. If you haven’t been to the bathroom in over 10 minutes then you just might anyway.
Because it takes 15 minutes to arrange the at least 6 pillows you need to support your various sagging parts in bed and by the time you are comfortable you are so hot that you have to get up and stand in front of a fan and then start the process all over again.
Because sex, well, let’s just say, “the grey old mare, she ain’t what she used to be”!
Because complete strangers ask you inappropriate questions about your vagina and how much you weigh and then rub your belly as if it will grant them a wish.
Lovin’ it so far!
Filed under And baby makes 5 | Comment (0)Guess
Know what is worse than having a hacking, persistant, cough-up-your-lungs type cough that only shows up around 7ish and stays just long enough to wreck the whole night’s sleep?
Having that cough when you are pregnant and can’t take anything to help.
Know what’s worse than that?
Having that cough, while pregnant with a useless, lilly-livered bladder.
Filed under And baby makes 5, Me, me, me, me | Comment (0)I’m back
Well hello there! It has certainly been a while. Life got a little crazy but I’m ready to be back. I had so much that I couldn’t write here that I just had to stop. We have turned our lives upside down and inside out in the last few months and it’s only getting crazier everyday! The Readers Digest Version is this:
1. T started a new job (and what a great job it has turned out to be!) so that he can work from home because…
2. We are moving 3500km in 5 short weeks to live near my family because…
3. I am pregnant with our third little munchkin!
We have been thinking of moving closer to family for a while now. We love the city we live in but it’s a 7 hour drive from our nearest relative. Too far. We really feel like our kids have been missing out by not having their grandparents, aunts and uncles involved in their lives. This past Christmas we spent 3 weeks with my family with the intention of deciding whether we would move or not. While we were there we got a rather “positive” sign that we should move… a surprise baby! This pregnancy certainly was a shock (turns out that booking the “Big V” is a sure fire way to get knocked up!) but we are happy about our new little love. It has been a big mental adjustment, particularly for me. I was really sick for the first 14 or so weeks which made for a tough transition. I am now 24 weeks along and aside from a few weeks of stress over some complications (a tear in my placenta which has since healed), all is well!
In March we sold our home (so sad since it is the first home we owned and we have so many happy memories there) and bought a new one. We are moving to a smaller city where you can drive 5km in less than 45 minutes and shop at the local market for georgous local produce! With the crazy housing market we were able to buy a house that is almost double the size of our current one for less than we sold ours for. Crazy, no? We are feeling pretty blessed and know that this is happening in God’s timing. Our new house has everything we needed (4 bedrooms, office space, garage) and most of what we wanted (walk out basement, bigger yard, room for a home theatre) and it backs onto beautiful conservation land! The movers are coming on June 12. Is it a problem that we haven’t really started packing?
So that is the update. I’m hoping to post regularly now. Gotta release the crazy now and then!
Filed under And baby makes 5, Family, On moving | Comment (0)