mamamade

I realize that it is the 13th of January and that the rest of the internet is done with their Christmas recaps, 2009 summaries and hopes for 2010. Unfortunately, I’M NOT THERE YET! So stay with me while I do a little reflecting, summing up and resoluting over the next week or so (stress the so…).

One of the best parts of 2009 for me was the rediscovery of my creativity. In the years of figuring out how to be married, having kids, making a home and all the rest of it, I lost myself. I put myself so far on the back burner that I couldn’t really remember me any more. Last year was a year of self discovery. A sort of finding myself. Remembering what I like. What I’m good at. What gives me life. Taking time for myself and feeling good about it.

Last year I really started to tap into my creative side again. Once I started making things, I couldn’t stop. With each new thing I sewed or knit or photographed, 10 more ideas were born in my head. I love to make things. To create beauty with my own hands. To pour a part of myself into a gift for someone I love. That is why it was so important to me to make something special for each of our children this Christmas. To think of something they would love, design it, pick out just the right colours and then work late into many nights finishing each gift. I cried when they opened their gifts because I had poured so much love into each of them and was so sure they would LOVE them. I guess it’s a way for me to say “I love you” and for our children to have something tangible they can look back on and know that their Mom knew them well enough to make just the right thing. Know what I mean?

Today I wanted to share with you the gifts I made our children. Nothing I made was rocket science but it was from my heart, especially for each of the precious little people born to me.

My eldest is an artist at heart. For the last few months he has been working on a number of paintings and drawings in the hopes of having his own art show one day (Coincidentally, one of my goals for this year is to help him set up his first art show. I can’t wait!). He spends hours drawing and painting.

I knew that my budding artist needed an art supply holder that he could haul around with him. I crafted this handy little roll up one for him out of heavy wool felt (although next time I would likely make it out of a heavy fabric so it could be washed).

It’s a dark chocolate colour on the outside so it won’t show the dirt it will inevitably pick up (and because dark chocolate is one of our shared loves) and bright blue on the inside to match his eyes. The “ribbon” is made from a scrap of fabric left over from his brother’s gift. The boys LOVE to have things that match so I wanted to co-ordinate their gifts a bit. I filled it with sketching markers (but it could easily hold coloured pencils, brushes, etc.) and wrapped it with a sketch book. To say that he loves it is an understatement! He has slept with it tucked under his pillow most night since Christmas and has dragged it with him nearly every time we’ve left the house.

For our beautiful daughter, I made a sparkly purple tutu. She is a princess (Diva?) at heart. She is also OBSESSED with the colour purple. And sparkles. And ballet. It was a natural fit.

I made this little tutu for her to wear whenever the mood struck: playing dress up, eating breakfast, napping in the afternoon, ballet class (she was a bit sad that she didn’t have a fancy tutu like some of the other girls). She feels beautiful in it and that is JUST how I see her and how I want her to see herself.

For our littlest one, I made a night-night bag (and may I state for the record that the idea originated for him?).

It is made out of a dark denim with a bright, fun “kitty-cat” fabric, with some stripes and zigzags for interest. Here’s a look at it inside out:

I love this bag but more importantly, my little guy ADORES it! He loves to fill it with his “track-ors”, cars mooo-vie cars and random other bits he gathers from around the house. We take it with us wherever we go now. When we are heading out the door, he often stops and asks, “gots mine bag?”. It has been really helpful numerous times already at restaurants, the church nursery and long drives in the car.

Making these things for my children (and the other kids I made gifts for), filled me with so much joy this Christmas. I can’t wait to start on the next 20 projects I’ve got in mind!

resurfacing

Happy New Year! I can hardly believe that it’s 20-10. It seems like just a couple of years ago that we were all in a tizzy about the world collapsing as a new millennium dawned. Fortunately, Y2K was a total bust (I wonder how many people are still using up the water and canned goods they stored up?). Since then Mr. T and I have both gotten our BA’s (and me a couple of classes away from an MA), lived in 3 different provinces, birthed 3 children, bought 2 houses, had many jobs and then finally started our own company… wow those 10 years passed quickly!

But I digress…

December was a crazy, crazy month. Sometimes I think it was awesome. Sometimes I feel like it chewed us up and spit us out. As always, I wonder how we can slow it down and simplify. We did so much. There was our big party, too many hours of work, lots of late, late night crafting, decorating, cooking, laughing with friends, spending time with family far and near, presents, presents, presents, a 5K race, music, pictures, wine, traditions, a piano recital and woven through it all, the Light of the World.

I give you December.

halloween

I’m going to tell you a secret. I don’t like Halloween. Shhhhhhh. I just don’t like being scared, creepy things, neighbours who jump out of the bushes at my kids or day after sugar crashes. Not fun in my books! My kids, however, think it’s the greatest thing going so we do the pumpkin carving and happy dress up and trick-or-treating all for the sake of creating childhood memories. I do have to admit, we all end up having fun along the way. Here’s a little picture of how our weekend went this year (click on an image to enlarge it).

today

Today we are taking a sick day. We’re laying low at home and ditching our “to do” list . We needed a quiet morning after a too busy week.

We’ve got all of the U2 albums shuffling on the ipod (at the kids request).

We’re hanging out in our p.j.’s…

making play doh creations…

working on our fishy faces…

Sporting funky hair do’s and black eyes…

drinking tea with fancy straws…

The sun is shining. It’s warm inside. Today is a good day.

P.S. I’m too lazy to edit the pictures so they are SOOC today.

ride

Excuse me while I catch my breath! The last few months have been nuts, to say the least. There is no short version of our very long story so I’ll just say that we started a business and it rocks except for the parts that don’t but we’ll adjust to those aspects (or just get over them).

I’m feeling pretty intense and, truth be told, GRUMPY these days. As much as I’d like to be, I’m just not one of those people who thrives on chaos, loves being busy ALL THE TIME or who can somehow produce inspired art/crafts/writing/photos/whatever when I feel like my head is about to EXPLODE. I need some peace in my life and there has not been much of that around these parts.

When I look around my house, I can feel so discouraged. I work all day yet, there is so much that isn’t done. The weeds are choking out our garden. The basement exploded… again. I’m pretty sure that our ensuite is a health hazard. And the eaves overflow every time it rains (so pretty much daily). It seems like there are lots of people out there who somehow stay on top of all this stuff (or just don’t care when it doesn’t get done) and my question is “HOW DO YOU DO IT?”. Seriously. And don’t tell me that a housekeeper or a nanny is the solution cause that doesn’t factor into the “we just started a business” budget. I read peoples blogs and just marvel at the whole I’ve got five kids and I just made my own dining room table and arranged our books by colour thing. How do you go about whipping up a cute little sundress for your daughter in between supper and bathtime? Do you ever do the dishes? Cook? Hang out on the lawn looking at the clouds? For real, what do your houses look like and how much help do you have behind the scenes? I’ve got blackout fabric taped to the windows because I don’t have the time to sew a simple pocket for a curtain rod! No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to strike the magical balance.

Right now I’m finding the kids stuff the most overwhelming. Parenting is not for the faint of heart! More crumbs hit the floor than fill their bellies, neighbour’s windows get broken when they throw ROCKS they know they are not allowed to, sleep gets interrupted over and over, fights break out before we say good morning, four loads of freshly washed and folded laundry gets chucked helter skelter during the 42 seconds it takes me to pee! It’s like a non-stop three ringed circus around here. All we need is a dog and pony and we can take our show on the road.

Some people don’t talk about the stuff that drives them nuts on their blogs (and then there are others who talk about nothing else). I try to focus on the positive but when we are going through a tough season, it feels dishonest not to acknowledge that. I’ve talked about the good stuff plenty. I love my life but it’s not fun every single day. Some days suck and truth be told, some months suck too. Working through these seasons and coming out the other side helps me to appreciate the little moments like giggling with my kids, drinking a cup of hot tea in the morning sunshine with my husband, putting the finishing touches on a homemade gift for a friend. I’m going to find a way to get back to the simple, easy way we had a few months ago. Until then, you can find me under the big top.

brotherly love

transition

Last week I got to meet a new little person. He was a tiny, 7 pound, 5 day old wonder. As I sat marveling at his perfection, Mr. Baby came up to inspect him. Suddenly, my little guy looked like a GIANT! His head was absolutely MASSIVE next to Levi’s little noggin. Funny enough, by the time we got home and I had been climbed on and wrestled to the ground by my two older kids, Mr. Baby seemed small once again. My little guy.

Mr. Baby is at one of my favourite ages. He’ll be 20 months old tomorrow. I love watching him grow and learn. He is such a sponge right now, absorbing everything around him. Everyday he is learning new words, ways of communicating and how to climb higher than the day before! His confidence is growing so it is not as hard for him to meet new people or be in a crowd. Occasionally he will even greet a fellow shopper with a smile instead of his usual stink eye (or sad tears). He is so much fun. I really can’t get enough of him (that’s a lie… some days are MORE than enough!).

I love watching Mr. Baby play with his brother and sister. He wants to be just like them! It is so cute to see him try to keep up with them and copy their every move. He tries to have conversations with them by copying the intonations of their voices. We have no idea what on earth he is talking about but he makes it sound very important indeed! The other night I found him tucked up in bed with his sister. They both had their heads on her pillow and were giggling away to a secret joke. It felt really special to be able to witness their relationship developing.

A couple of weeks ago I took Mr. Baby for his vaccinations. There was a poster of a baby crying on the wall (I think it’s a “don’t shake your baby” message). He looked up at the poster and said, “Bee-bee cwy, cwy, cwy.” I said, “Is the baby crying?” and he responded, “Yeah! Cwy, cwy, cwy! Bee-bee Mama?”. “Does the baby need his Mama? Would that help him?”. “Yeah! Bee-bee Mama!”. I loved that he could tell me what he was thinking and that he wanted to help (and that the only logical help he could think of was to find the poor kid’s mother!).

One of the things I like about this age is the constant flip flop between big and little. Mr. Baby spends his days climbing, discovering, learning new words and chasing his older siblings around. He likes to be independent and do things on his own, thank you very much! He sits in a booster seat at the table because no one else in the family sits in a stupid high chair! Ditto for the bib (although I’m still insisting on that one!). He uses proper cutlery, drinks out of a regular cup (without spilling!), puts on his own boots and throws his laundry in the hamper.

In the midst of all this big boy activity there are still flashes of him as a baby. He likes to snuggle and will climb up in my lap, rub his cheek on mine and hum “hmmm-hmmm, hmmm-hmmm” over and over. He gets overwhelmed in new or busy situations and hides in our shoulders. And when he sleeps, he looks just like he did as an infant (only the sleep lasts much longer now!).

These are good days of learning and growing and letting go, of saying good bye to infancy and embracing what is before us. I just try to soak it all in because I know that all too soon he will be 7 years old and I’ll feel like I can’t slow him down long enough to hear about his day at school.

winded

Hello internet! I have missed you. I’ve even written to you many times. The problem is that it was always in my head at 3AM during a recent bout with insomnia. Come morning, all of my elegant words faded with the daylight.

I’m just going to be straight up with you. It has been a tough start to the year. There has been a lot of joy and laughter but also an off balance amount of yucky stuff. The kids have been sick for nearly 2 months now. They’ve been alternating the flu, colds, ear infections and every other contagious germ that blew by them on the breeze. Right now we are towards the end of a particularly rough bout with the flu. I’ve done more laundry in the last week than the entire month previous. I have to ask: why do my children only seem to throw up in the middle of the night, after they have consumed blueberries or chocolate on the cream coloured carpet that lies UNDER the bucket and towel I carefully laid by their bedside?

In the midst of doling out antibiotics, liberal hugs and fresh piles of laundry, I’ve been struggling. I have been feeling really sad, unmotivated, agitated, obsessive yet entirely lazy, unattractive and lonely . Great combination, no? Last Monday I FINALLY realized the cycle I was in and decided to do something about it. Life is about making good choices. It’s up to me whether I see the beauty that surrounds me, whether I embrace the good stuff that is always there and whether the bloody dishes get done of not.

Tuesday morning I started mission PULL MYSELF UP BY MY BOOTSTRAPS and get on with the good stuff. A large part of my plan was to get more sleep, some time to myself and to work hard on my photography so I can get the business that swims inside my head going. Yeah Tuesday! It was hard with a feverish, clingy baby but I was gonna do it. Oh yes I was!

And then Wednesday came. It was one of those days that conspires against you from the minute you wake up. A day where you have to laugh or you will break down and cry. I shook my fist at Wednesday and gave it a swift kick in the butt. Right until supper time when the tables got turned and I got the wind knocked out of me. Picture me at 5PM chatting with the kids, helping Tuck with his spelling words, holding Mr. Baby, stir frying some delicious smelling curry… Mr. T came into the kitchen and asked me to come upstairs and talk to him. I laughed and told him I was a tad busy so he’d have to talk to me in the kitchen or wait. He asked me to come up as soon as I could and then disappeared back into his office. Thinking nothing of it, I added the coconut milk to the curry and then dashed upstairs to find out what he needed while it simmered. “Tell me quick, I need to get back to dinner,” I said as I walked into the room. I don’t remember his exact words but it was something along the lines of, “um, so it looks like I might not have a job in 6-8 weeks”. I’m pretty sure I heard a needle ripping along a record as he said that. HUH? I felt a strong sense of dejavu and a whole lot of nausea. And then I ran back to the kitchen so dinner didn’t burn! Mr. T followed me and tried to answer as I fired question after question at him. And then we stood hugging in the middle of the kitchen while our kids played around us and the curry simmered on the stove wondering what on earth we were going to do.

We still don’t quite know but there is a plan percolating. And there is peace that God will provide as he always has. That things will be ok even if we don’t know what they will look like right now.

What I want to remember about this experience is the many blessings we’ve already encountered. That even when it’s hard, life can be lived joyfully. That everyday brings with it the choice to embrace that day and all that it brings or to be smothered by it. That love matters more than anything else. And specifically:

* The love our family and friends have showered on us. Feel supported? Check!
* My littlest guy clinging to me, arms wrapped around my neck, head resting on my shoulder muttering, “mama, mama, mama” over and over. Sometimes (ok, all the time if you are Mr. Baby) only Mama can make it right.
* On the weekend we told the kids that there are probably going to be some changes at Daddy’s work and that we’re going to have to cut down on our spending to save some extra money. Tuck goes, “I’ve got lots of money in my piggy bank. I can go get it and give it to you to put in your bank account if you want”. We both teared up and told him that was very sweet but that Mommy and Daddy’s bank account is ok and that he doesn’t need to worry about it. He replied, “ok but if you ever need it you can just let me know and I’ll give it all to you. No problem at all”. That kid SLAYS me.
* Perspective. Beauty came into our room at 2am last Wednesday night (hours after the bomb got dropped) and proceeded to throw up for the rest of the night. Thursday night Tuck kept us up most of the night with his version of the flu and then slept through his family birthday party the next evening. Saturday night Mr. Baby barfed himself senseless and required 2 baths during the night. He has not eaten since then and continues to empty himself into his pants (and socks!) multiple times a day. Bad timing? A bit but really, it all just reminds me that what matters in my life is our family. No matter how crazy things get, those kids keep us grounded and cognizant of what is important.
* I am thankful to have a loving God who is steady and unchanging. Not everyone believes that but to me, it’s real and I am so glad.
* I haven’t really cried over this whole thing. I think I was too shocked at first and then mad and then too focused on moving forward to bother. I did have a brief moment last Friday when Tuck told me his school shoes don’t fit him anymore and that he needed some new ones. Normally I would say sure, add it to my list and go buy him some new ones. Suddenly, I’m not sure if we can afford to spend the money, where I should buy them, how much I should spend. It really sucked to feel like I might not be able to get my kids something they need so I cried on Mr. T’s strong shoulder and then prayed about it. The next day my good friend the pedorthist called to tell me she’s going to hook our kids up with running shoes for the spring. So COOL (and humbling).

So that’s my update! How are things with you?

noel

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

day three

Dear Daddy (please read that DAAAAAAA at the loudest volume my little voice can produce),

Today my sister was a very good girl so Mommy let her have a treat from her Halloween bag. She picked out a yellow sucker. I was not happy that she was eating the sucker in front of me and not sharing. Everyone in this family is supposed to share anything they are eating with me and she forgot the rules. At first I just stood in front of her and yelled for a while. When that didn’t work I decided to up my game and chase her around the family room.

I pulled at her clothes, her hands and even her hair trying desperately to get the yummy yellow sucker.

After a while I managed to knock her over onto your chair and then climb up her.

Eventually, I got that sucker.

I was so happy!

It was so tasty but it only lasted for a few seconds before I ate it all up. I tried to eat the stick but Mommy took it away from me.

I was so mad and started to cry and cry. Then she threw my favourite stick ever in the garbage. I threw myself on the ground and cried but she just laughed at me. I still wanted that stick so I went digging through the garbage to find it. When I couldn’t find it, I cried some more.

I wanted Mommy to know how mad I was so I pooped my pants so big it went running down my legs and up my back. I sure showed her. When she managed to get my poop covered clothes off and clean me up I squirmed away before she could put my diaper on. I ran away and hid behind a chair so Mommy let me go while she got some clean clothes for me. I was still mad about the sucker and mad that I had to wear a stupid diaper so I peed all over the chair and the floor.

Now Mommy knows that next time I want a sucker that she should give it to me right way AND let me eat the stick if I feel like it!

I miss you and I am very confused why you don’t come out of your office when I yell, “DAAAAA” up the stairs.

Come home soon!

Love,

Mr. Baby