love

Hello.

You know that feeling you get when it’s been way too long since you’ve talked to a good friend? You want to call them and say hi but you missed their birthday or you forgot to send them a Christmas card or it’s just been so darn long that you wonder if they even want to talk to you anymore (much less remember you). I’ve been feeling like that lately.

I love this little blog (if I do say so myself!). It’s like a friend to me. A place where I can share a bit of myself and try to make sense of this funny little life of mine. I like to look back and remember little snippets here and there that the sands of time so easily sift from my mind. To recall how I was feeling in a particular season, funny things our kids said, moments I was thankful for (or, not so thankful as the case may be). There is so much beauty in everyday. This blog helps me to see it in my own life.

Sometimes, or to be more honest, OFTEN, I get overwhelmed by my life. These early years with our children are just so encompassing. Our daily life is full to overflowing. I struggle to balance all the parts of our life. Marriage, kids, relationships, our business, dreams, laundry… It’s hard to know how to fit it all in, do it well and LOVE it along the way. When I begin to feel like I’m not managing the flesh and blood part of our life well, I tend not to visit here as often as I would like. I write daily in my HEAD but it often doesn’t get translated here. I take pictures that I want to share with you but then get swamped and by the time I get around to sitting on my couch and opening a browser, the moment has passed or I can’t remember what it was I wanted to say.

January was a hard month for me. 2009 felt a lot like a snowball rolling out of control down the side of a mountain. By the time December came, it was so huge that it just swallowed up everything in it’s path and then crashed right into 2010. I am tired. Drained, really. I’ve also been sad. Annoyingly, stupidly sad and I wish that I wasn’t but I have been. Lots of good things have happened. I’ve laughed quite a bit but I’ve also cried more than I would like. I’ve spent too much time staring out a window and then regretting the wasted minutes. I’ve spent more days in my pajamas than is probably reasonable. That’s just the truth of where I’m at. It’s an uphill battle. A daily choice.

At the beginning of January I decided that my “theme” for 2010 would be LOVE. When I open my eyes and choose to see, love surrounds me. The love of God envelopes my days and cradles my life. I might not have it all figured out, but I do know this, we all need love. We crave it. We thrive on it. Love validates our humanity and assures us that we are not alone. That we matter. Life can be messy. But when it’s covered in love, it is beautiful. Love is EVERYWHERE, it’s just a matter of choosing to see it. That’s what I want to do this year. Find love in the everyday. In the little moments. The unexpected places. To choose to see love, even when I feel sad for no particular reason.

Thanks for visiting here. Your comments and e-mails make me feel loved.

(Seen on the hood of a car on the way to the park.)

This afternoon I met my running group at 4:00 for our usual Sunday afternoon run. I had with me my usual gear: shoes, tights, water, wicking shirt… everything I needed to make my run more comfortable. Unlike most of my other runs, I decided not to bring something with me this afternoon. Something I’ve hauled with me like a heavy weight on each of my other runs. Today I made the choice to leave my fears behind. I decided not to be afraid of how my run would go, whether I would be able to keep up and if I made better time than last week.

I got out of my car at our meeting spot, stretched and then just ran. Today I WENT FOR IT. No over thinking. No self-doubts. No comparisons. I trusted myself. Know what? I had my best run ever. There were moments that I didn’t look very graceful, times when my breathing was loud and laboured, times when I had to say out loud, “I CAN do this” and will myself to go another 3 minutes. It probably didn’t look all that pretty but I DID IT! I ran a steady 10/1 pattern for 7K. Along the way my friend told me that she was proud of me. I felt that and it strengthened me. I felt proud of myself too.

Today I learned to trust myself a little more. To not be afraid of what’s to come or feel burdened by the weight of the past. I learned to lean on my community when I couldn’t do it on my own. To trust that God would give me the strength to fulfill my goals. Today I learned a little bit more what it feels like to step out in faith, to not be hampered by fears, to take a risk and trust that it will be ok. I got a picture of what it feels like to take the ceiling off of my dreams and live them rather than allowing them only to swim in my head. I got a taste of the freedom that comes from risking and knowing that I can do it.

anticipating

I found this on the kitchen table yesterday morning:

That would be my daughter’s to do list for my birthday next week. How cute is that? Seriously.

I love that my kids are STOKED about my birthday this year. It’s so fun to hear them whispering plans, “hiding” gifts in rather obvious spots (like the kitchen counter) and asking me leading questions about my favourite foods, balloon colour and type of cake. It makes me feel like I can start getting excited about my birthday again!

wall

Friends, I hit a wall today. After nearly three weeks of ENDLESS sickness*, I woke up this morning feeling like I couldn’t do it today. I just couldn’t face another day of dispensing meds (It’s gotten so complicated that I’ve got a schedule on my white board of who and when and how much), sanitizing, LAUNDRY, constant hand washing, supervising of hand washing and arguing about the necessity of hand washing. I HAD to get THE HECK OUT OF MY HOUSE! As soon as I put the kids down for a nap/quiet time, I TOOK OFF** and headed to one of my favourite local stores- a fabric/yarn store in a hundred year old house with the most drool worthy collection of fabrics and yarns. I feasted my eyes on the beautiful colours and patterns and reveled at how incredibly QUIET and PEACEFUL it was in there. I would have laid down on one of their beautiful quilts if I felt like I could have gotten away with it.

Instead, I came home with a skein of GORGEOUS brushed suri in whipped cream, a set of my favourite bamboo double pointed needles and some fabric for a sewing project I sketched out this morning.

A little creative inspiration and I’m feeling much better!

* The run down includes the PLAGUE, double ear infection x’s two kids, chest infection, pinworms and most recently, impetigo + eye infection.

** Lest you forget, Mr. T works from home.

runner

About two months ago I received an e-mail from a friend of mine asking if I would like to join a running group. After my body stopped shuddering at the thought of running anywhere for any reason, I had a good laugh and then pushed delete! I don’t run. I am not a runner. Other than the compulsory 1KM run of shame in junior high, I have never run in my entire life (not counting the time after my daughter was born when I decided to get back in shape, ran one block, peed my pants, burst into tears and then slunk home, determined NEVER to do that again!).

Being the determined person that she is (and one of the crazy types who LOVES to run), my friend kept asking me about it. And I kept saying NO! I can’t. I don’t like to run. I don’t have time. I’ve got bad knees… I heard that a few of our friends had joined but I easily dismissed their participation because they were all runners wanting to get back into shape. I could NEVER keep up with them. Then, a couple of my non-runner friends decided to give it a try. They assured me that they were NOT runners and also weren’t sure that they would be able to run for even a minute. And they, like me, were not 25 anymore. Somehow I had a change of heart and decided to give it a try. They promised me that we would take it slow. We’d build up gradually. Just watch, they said, you’ll surprise yourself.

Our first run was 8 weeks ago on a Sunday evening. I nearly threw up as I changed into my running gear (which was really just an assortment of yoga pants, tank tops and a long, black sweatshirt that I desperately hoped would hide the hips I hate so much). I joked that I must really love this group of women since I was willing to wear SPANDEX in PUBLIC while it was still LIGHT outside.

Feeling sick to my stomach and wondering what on EARTH I was doing, I arrived at our meeting spot. My friends were all stretching so I joined in, pretending to know what I was doing. I went to the bathroom no less than 5 times while we waited for everyone to arrive. And then we began. Walk 5 minutes. Run for one. I really, really didn’t think that I could do it. I just wanted to go home and eat the tasty dessert I had made earlier in the day (and that, my friends just might be one of the reasons I’m needing to work so hard at getting back into shape!).

When our first minute of running was up, I was surprised how quickly it had passed (and that I was still breathing). Maybe, just maybe, I might be able to do this after all.

Our running group continued to meet every Sunday and Tuesday for the next eight weeks, shortening our walks and lengthening our runs each time we met. After a couple of weeks, I started running by myself on Thursday afternoons. Seriously. 5K each time, by myself.

I actually started to enjoy our runs. It felt good to move my body, to be outside, to do something just for me. I looked forward to seeing my friends, laughing about the funny things our kids did, encouraging each other, giving advice for sleepless babies, diaper rash, budgeting, the best way to keep the many, many socks that overwhelm our homes at bay.

As the weeks passed, I saw changes in my body. I was stronger. I had more energy. I felt happier. My calves had muscle. My hips were slimming. I fit back into jeans that had been sitting in my bottom drawer for three years. More importantly, I became part of a community of strong, inspiring, beautiful women who have touched my heart and helped me to draw closer to the God we love.

This past Sunday my community of women helped me accomplish one of my life goals. I never thought that I’d be able to do it (and had never actually admitted it as a goal out loud before) but with the help of my friends, I ran my first 5K race. Seriously. I RAN IN A 5K RACE with a starting line and timing chip and a medal and everything! The run itself was really rough for me. I came into it exhausted because our family has been sick for the last 10 days. I didn’t have any energy. I missed one of my runs the week before. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. The first 2.5K was all up hill. We were running an 8/1 pattern. The first 8 minutes was ok. The second was tough but my second set is usually my hardest. And then it didn’t get better like it usually does. It got worse. Much, much worse. I was nearly in tears. I couldn’t catch my breath and I had a terrible stitch. Everything in me wanted to quit. I was so frustrated that one of the worst runs I had ever had was happening on race day. And then my friends circled me. The two women I was running with came along side me pouring out words of encouragement, prayer, distracting stories. They pointed out the beauty of the trees that lined the river. The mist from the falls rising in the distance. The 8 year old running in front of us (I was so not getting schooled by an 8 year old!). Their words, their presence, their faith in me drew me closer and closer to the finish line. I was going to do it, to finish, to realize a goal. As I ran, my lungs burned. My legs felt like lead but my heart grew lighter and lighter. My body was gutting it out but my heart was being healed because as we ran towards the finish line, I knew that I belonged. That I was part of something. That I mattered. That I could do it. My dear friends stuck with me to the end even though they could have gone on ahead and gotten a much better time. Finishing together was more important to them than getting a personal best.

We crossed the finish line. The crowd cheered. We all hugged. Our other friends joined us. We did it! We accomplished our goals. For some it was a personal best, for others a new distance and for some of us, just completing a race for the first time. We wove the threads of our friendship more tightly. We built a community.

Now I can tell you, I run. I AM A RUNNER!

But more importantly, I belong.

irony

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of irony in my life as a parent. For example, I am running around like an absolute LUNATIC today trying to get a million things done so that I can go to the spa and relax this afternoon. Or the times I’ve yelled “speak nicely” or “calm down” at my children. Or the morning our baby slept until 8:00 AM and I laid in bed FULLY AWAKE worrying that he had surely perished during the night. When I dreamed of becoming a parent, I forgot to imagine the part where you feel kind of nuts half the time!

job description

Recently I found a pin that perfectly describes my job description:

Yup, that about sums it up!

today

Today is AWESOME and this is why:

1. I was in bed ASLEEP by 8:15 last night.
2. Sleeping until 7:50 this morning when my services to find a brown shirt for brown day were required by my colour blind husband.
3. It is 18*C for the third day in a row in NOVEMBER!
4. I have three loads of laundry drying outside in NOVEMBER!
5. Bisto (that would be my recently engaged sister for future reference) and I had a long chat on the phone this morning.
6. Being open about my struggle to lose weight so I can feel better about myself.
7. Gas is less than $0.85 a liter for the first time in a gajillion years.
8. Busting our little destructo-bot with a handful of contraband crayons BEFORE he tested them out on the walls!
9. Having supper tonight with my great friend of 32 years.
10. Having a great friend for 32 years when I’m not quite 33.
11. Having a sleepover with my Mom later on tonight.
12. Making time to go for a power walk and feeling super motivated after.
13. Kicking butt on my mighty “to do” list. Speaking of which…

week in review

Start out week with intentions of getting out of the house everyday, keeping up with chores and not losing your temper: check

Promise yourself that you won’t complain about the hideous, stupid, endless snow only to do so daily: check

Give up all good intentions by noon on Monday: check

Ignore laundry until it reaches out and begs to be washed: check

Have neighbours drop in for a visit when house looks as though it was ransacked by robbers: check

Actually respond when your son calls you by the dogs name because you didn’t even notice until your husband laughed out loud: check

Traumatize oldest child when he overhears you announce to your husband that you are moving out: check

Wonder why on earth oldest is bawling in his room only to discover he really thought you were moving out: check

Take kids to park because you are a SUPER! FUN! Mom only to have your daughter take out your 18 month old next door neighbour: check

Make kids leave park and have to listen to all three of them scream the entire way home: check

Make a public spectacle of yourself (see above): check

Discover that your daughter who has insisted she is allergic to peanuts since she could speak and you just thought she was being dramatic is in fact quite allergic to both peanuts and tree nuts: check*

Feel like a complete asshat and hang your head in shame: check

Make husband mad and almost get into an argument because you keep saying “I feel so bad” over and over: check

Rejoice that it is the weekend and resolve to try again next week: check

*more on this later

note to self

Two nights ago as I was climbing into bed, I discovered a pool of chocolate between the sheets. Upon investigation, it seems that two of our children (who will continue to remain nameless!) hid several Easter eggs in our bed on Sunday afternoon as part of an impromptu egg hunt. I guess that explains why my pj’s were covered in melted chocolate when I changed on Monday. How I made it almost to noon without noticing that I had chocolate all over my left hip is a sad commentary on the current state of my appearance.

Note to self: Look in mirror occasionally.