note to self

Two nights ago as I was climbing into bed, I discovered a pool of chocolate between the sheets. Upon investigation, it seems that two of our children (who will continue to remain nameless!) hid several Easter eggs in our bed on Sunday afternoon as part of an impromptu egg hunt. I guess that explains why my pj’s were covered in melted chocolate when I changed on Monday. How I made it almost to noon without noticing that I had chocolate all over my left hip is a sad commentary on the current state of my appearance.

Note to self: Look in mirror occasionally.

idiosyncrasies

Idiosyncrasies. We’ve all got them. They make each of us unique. Here are some of mine:

1. I can’t sleep if the opening on my pillowcase is facing the inside of the bed. Same for my husband’s pillow. I feel like it is going to bite me if it is facing towards me. I even switch the kids pillows around if they are facing the “wrong” way.

2. I hate having my head touched (unless, of course, you are offering a head rub!).

3. All things need to feel equal and balanced. My ponytail needs to be exactly centered or it makes me nuts. Both sleeves need to be pulled up to the same part of my arm or not at all. I brush my teeth the same number of times on each side, every time. Hands in both pockets or neither. If I’m lucky enough to have one hand, foot or shoulder rubbed, I need to “make it even” and have the other one done too.

4. I don’t like my socks to be touching the tips of my toes. I always pull them forwards a bit.

5. This on is my Mom’s fault: Anything in my cupboards with a label on it needs to be right side up with the (english) label facing forwards. No upside down soup cans with the french side facing out here!

What about you? Want to share?

be gone!

Dear Snow,

When I was a kid, one of my big hopes was the you would come in time for my birthday. Somehow it seemed like a better day with big, white flakes covering the earth. The prospect of the first toboggan run, hot chocolate with melted marshmallows and snowball fights after school made it all the more exciting. Much to my disappointment, the grass was usually still green and I had to be content with mimicked snow by way of coconut sprinkled vanilla frosting on my cake. This year, however, you showed up big time! My kids and I were thrilled when the first snow storm was forecast. We danced and played and frolicked as you reached the earth for the first time this season.

We continued to be pumped when snow storm after snow storm pummeled our region. I hadn’t seen this much snow since I was a kid. But just like summer vacation, McDonald’s and junk food binges, the magic began to fade. The kids grew weary of slugging through unbelievably deep snow and freezing cold fingers. I was tired of soggy socks from all the puddles of melted snow at the back door. My husband started to mutter like an old man every time he headed out to shovel… AGAIN! Once my birthday party and then my brother’s got cancelled, I was totally over you.

This morning when I looked out and saw that you came again last night, all I could do was groan. I long for the day that I look out and see something other than white, grey and frozen brown.

Snow, you need a lesson in moderation. You really have become like a clingy boyfriend who is there every time you turn around. You know, the one that made you feel special with all of the attention and togetherness for the first month and then grew increasingly more annoying until you told him that you’d be better off as friends (the kind of friends who never talk or see each other)?

So catch a hint already and make yourself scarce! We’re all pretty much over you.

Cordially,

Rachel

the tile is taking on a crazy kind of shine

Have you ever heard of anyone having a nervous breakdown in their sleep or may I be the first to claim that honour? People, I’m telling you, I woke up on the wrong side of crazy this morning. My brain, it don’t work no more.

I’m not sure if it was 160something nights in a row of awake-asleep-awake-asleep-awake-asleep-awake-asleep-awake-asleep-awake-asleep or the 2am I bumped my finger this afternoon and now it needs a kissy cry or the hideous, hideous smells wafting from the other side of the bed an unidentified source that did me in. All I know is that I feel off balance today. Quite fragile. Teary. And rather skoots, if you will (and I think you will or I will weep at you). Pretty much, I can’t deal anymore. I’z done right in.

When I put the baby down for a nap, I did the only that seemed reasonable to me at the time. I emptied everything out of the back hallway that leads to the garage, laundry room et al and scrubbed it until it shone. Nothing makes a crazy person feel a whole lot more balanced than grout you can feed your kids a snack on. Now when I have 32 loads of laundry lined up in the hallway, I can rest in the knowledge that it is sitting on very sparkly tiles.

verbal diarrhea

I’d like to post more. Really, I would. The thing is, I don’t have time. I’m hard pressed to go pee without someone screaming at the door so you can imagine how difficult it is to get through an entire post. Nearly impossible. I also don’t have a lot that is really worth sharing right now. My kids do say all kinds of funny things that I wish I recorded more (like the fact that G offered baby J her bedroom and said that she would “sleep in Daddy’s office or somewhere really” when she heard that he needed his own room but we didn’t know what we were going to do or N’s insistence on calling those handy little directions or how to’s, if you will, that come with games and DIY things “in-constructions”). Otherwise, I’m feeling rather negative and surly and really, who wants to read that crap?

The truth is that I’m tired and worn out. Big surprise. I have a baby that generally doesn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time. 2 other kids that get me running around like one of my sister’s crisis patients and a husband who is over tired and retreating to his man cave (I loath the man cave). I know that it’s a time of life thing but it’s sucking right now to the point that I want to smack myself for ever even thinking of having four kids (really, WHAT. WAS. I. THINKING?). All I want is to go to bed when I am ready to and be able to sleep until a reasonable hour (not for an hour. UNTIL a reasonable hour). I need some sleep and I’m getting kind of pissed off about it. My get up and go is gone. To be honest, I’m even starting to feel mad at God and found myself giving him a rather cranky speech last night (I know, I know. Model Christian. Excellent demonstration of faith). Basic eating has even become a challenge with not being able to eat any dairy or eggs. I’d just like to pour myself a bowl of cereal or have a little yogurt when I drag my sorry self out of bed in the morning but I can’t do that anymore. And then I feel a bit resentful that I’ve had to totally change my eating for my baby and he doesn’t even have the decency to sleep! Truth be told, I’d eat nothing but boiled seaweed if it would help him but I’m just feeling sorry for myself and acting like a grumpy old sow.

While I’m allowing myself a rant, I would like to say that I am sick of having to deprogram my kids for a month after Christmas. They are acting entitled and rather ungrateful. I’m done with that. So very done with it. I’m not sure exactly what we are going to do about it but I swear that this was the last Christmas we allow our children to be totally sold out to the commercial side of Christmas. I doubt they even registered that we were meant to be celebrating the birth of our Saviour. That precious little baby changed the world and do you know what we did about it this year? Not much. I am ashamed by that. I am embarrassed by the attitudes we have allowed to foster in our children and the sea of excess they live with (though good intentions but none the less…). We have a serious problem here in North America with coveting and hoarding and excess and I don’t want that for my kids. Our goals for this year are simplicity and joy. That’s what I want to give my kids because they can carry that into their future’s much longer than the plastic toy of the moment on their lists.

I warned you that I’m cranky! At least I was honest. Now what was that I said about joy…?

soaring

These verses lifted the burden I’ve been carrying from my shoulders today:

So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith (Galatians 6:9-10 NLT).

Right now, loving my children is doing what is good and I can’t give up. One day, I will see the fruit of these sleepless nights…

Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
(Isaiah 40:28-31 NLT)

Lost: sanity, patience and sense of humour. Reward if found.

Yesterday afternoon I had a moment where I swear I felt my brain snap like a rubber band. N was whimpering because he was feeling (understandably) crappy, G was fake crying because her lego tower fell over and that made her throat hurt and then her mean Mommy wouldn’t let her have ice cream or a popsicle and baby J was crying because someone burnt toast in China and it upset him. All of a sudden my overload buttons started flashing and I wanted to run out of our house and hide for a week.

Most of the time I can roll with the chaos that is our life but every now and then it becomes too much and something needs to give. We have been so busy lately and as I look forward to the rest of the month it only gets busier. It’s all good stuff but it’s too much when combined together. Kind of like a chocolate lava cake. I love them warm from the oven with a little whipping cream or ice cream but if you layer on both plus chocolate sauce and raspberry coulis, it turns something delicious into a diabetic coma.

I’m not usually one to moan to everyone I talk to about how tired I am and how much things suck (unless someone who gets 10 hours of sleep a night complains to me about how exhausted they are… then I might snap a little and make sarcastic comments). I tend to go more into bull dozer mode and just try to plow through everything. I get more focused and my sense of humour vanishes like dark chocolate when I’m PMSing. Just get ‘er done! Everyone clears a path for me when I get like this. I don’t mean to be so intense. I just don’t know how to deal with it all and maintain my June Cleaver manners.

Right now I am overwhelmed. I can’t tell you how sick I am of being pawed at, drooled on, hung off of and whined to at all hours of the day and night. The neediness of my children, the little favours people are asking me to do for them and the mounting tasks that need to be done for Christmas (which is another post in itself… the level of insanity Christmas has reached) are making me go crazy. I just want to organize my fruit cellar for once and for all so I can find something when I need it. Is that too much to ask?

Probably more than anything I am so overwhelmed by how things have gone with baby J. At first we thought he was a laid back kid. He slept well and ate like a champ. He still eats like a champ (all day and all night) but everything else has changed. He doesn’t sleep well. He is very sensitive and temperamental. Loud noises bother him. He doesn’t like change, chaos, new people etc. etc. He likes it best when he is alone with Mommy being held at an 87.2 degree angle. I never know what is going to upset him. Maybe it’s his teeth? Maybe he’s got gas? Maybe someone in Germany dropped a beer stein and it scared him? I am sick of feeling like I need to make excuses for why he is crying this time. I wish that he would let other people hold him more often. I wish he didn’t scream so much. I wish I felt like I could put him down to cry for a bit but it just makes him scream louder and takes more effort later. I really wish I could enjoy more of my time with him and that I had more time to spend with my other two kids. I wish I got more sleep and that things were easier. I love this baby so much. He is delightful and wonderful. I love his smiles and sweet little baby coo’s. I love his fat thighs, chubby toes and sparkly blue eyes. I even love that he is sensitive and very much his own person. I really don’t want to change him, I just want to know how to be his Mommy in a way that doesn’t suck the marrow from my bones.

30

Today I’ve got 30 random points for 30 days in a row!

1. I am very suddenly going gray. Not pleased.
2. My new camera totally rocks. Can’t wait to take a photography course.
3. Good things come in threes… like kids.
4. My Mom is turning 60 on Sunday.
5. 5 year old boys only like to talk about farting and bums.
6. Baby J slept for 6 hours in a row last night. First time in a month.
7. My husband worked it so I slept until 10:30 this morning (only waking to nurse).
8. I am still really, really tired.
9. I wonder how long it will be until I get to sleep for 8 hours a night every night?
10. I’m super excited for Christmas this year.
11. We are doing theme gifts for our kids this year so we can buy them something meaningful to them.
12. I enjoyed writing every day this month… even if some posts were boring.
13. We forgot to go to Spiceworld when we were out west. Major bummer.
14. The movers lost all of the bolts for baby J’s crib. Also a major bummer.
15. My kids picked out the funniest birthday gifts for me. N really wanted to get me a splatter screen for when we make bacon. He was so pumped about it! The also bought me new wooden spoons to replace the ones they used as drum sticks and broke.
16. Baby J laughed out loud today when T was playing peek-a-boo. So cute!
17. Baby J has only pooped spontaneously 3 times in the last 2 months. I’m really good at giving suppositories now. Should I add that to my resume?
18. The glamour of my life makes me laugh on a daily basis!
19. I seem to have stopped losing weight. Looks like I’ll have to beat it off me. Does that mean I need to give up chocolate?
20. I’ve decided to wall paper one wall in my living room in some retro paper. I’m looking forward to it!
21. Ghirardelli dark chocolate with toffee chunks is my current favourite chocolate bar. We used to buy it at Shoppers but they don’t carry it here. Gonna have to work that out!
22. I’m loving spinach these days.
23. I have convinced my husband that we should have our kitchen cupboards painted. We are going to have the doors sprayed and then paint the frames. Can’t wait! Am not holding my breath though.
24. I miss knitting but I don’t have time right now. I want to make Baby J something for Christmas though so I’ll need to get on it!
25. GAP warmest jackets are the best. The kids and I all have them.
26. My daughter baked her first cake today. She wanted to make me a birthday cake and pretty much did it all by herself.
27. We had our first parent-teacher interview today. Our son is rocking kindergarden. He’s way ahead of where they expect him to be.
28. We are please because this confirms our belief that he is smart. It is also a concern. We don’t want school to be boring.
29. I’m getting my hair cut off soon.
30. That was a lot of days to post in a row. But I did it!

day

It’s my birthday! T (and various family members) surprised me with the BEST. BIRTHDAY. PRESENT. EVER!!!! Hello, Cannon Rebel XTi. Needless to say, I’m pumped. And rather shocked.

Tonight we are going to my favourite restaurant for supper. I think it will be a birthday to remember!

blech

We just had the best visit with some really, really dear friends. It was so good to be known and to be completely comfortable with friends. I am feeling positively sick to my stomach over having to say goodbye…again.

Visiting has been so very bitter-sweet.