spiral

Lately things haven’t been going very well. Our life feels like it has spun out of control over the last month. We were so on top of things for the first while that we lived here. We had a routine that was working really well. Stuff gone done on a regular basis and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was successful at my job as CNO (Chief Navigating Officer) of our family.

Once J was born I expected that everything would get turned upside down. I expected to be tired, overwhelmed and behind. I anticipated behaviour changes, mixed up routines and chaos. I just thought that it would get better sooner than it has. Our life has been out of whack for so long (almost a year now) that I’m starting to feel like I’m drowning in it. Over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling myself swimming a little more slowly everyday. The shore seems so far away that some moments it seems impossible to reach. I hate feeling like this.

I am tired. J has been sleeping poorly again and it’s wearing me out. It has been over three weeks since I got to have a nap. Everything seems to be more important than catching up on sleep. There is always somewhere we have to go, something we need to do or someone who needs my help. I have a growing feeling of resentment building inside of me. I am sick of being last in line when it comes to having my needs met. I’m tired of messes. Of washing the same clothes over and over and over. Of my kids not listening. Of not spending any time with my husband. Heck, I’m even sick of my grumping!

Somehow, I’ve got to reverse this downward spiral. T and I are heading out West this week. Hopefully some time away from the daily grind will do us all some good.

Rant over.

a thank you

Dear odd early hours,

T, the kids and I would like to thank you very much for your recent kindness. We so appreciate you taking my letter into consideration. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was not to have to deal with any of you the last two nights. It was thoughtful of you to send only your cousin 4am to check up on us. That guy, he’s ok. We can handle him. For a while anyway.

Just in case you have disappeared with the intention of building my hopes only to dash them in a couple of nights, I’d like to offer you some incentive to stay away. You can have all of my kids Halloween candy. Not just the crappy no name brand chips and sickly sweet mushy marshmallow things. I mean ALL of it. I think that would be a win for both of us. You’d have some treats to distract you when you feel the need to come out and play and I won’t have to listen to the sound of my kids blood sugar crashing an hour after they sneak 10 chocolate bars before breakfast. Cool?

With kind regards,

Rachel

dear odd early hours

Yeah, you know whom you are but since you are playing all coy, I’ll point you out. 1am. 3am. and 5am. You guys have got the hat trick nailed down pretty nicely. Why don’t I just get right to the point? I hate you. I am sick of you (both literally and figuratively, I might add). I could probably tolerate one of you a night but seriously, do you all have to show up EVERY. FREAKING. NIGHT? I know there is the occasional night one of you decides to call in sick and not wake me up but I’m pretty convinced that it’s just so you can nail me the next night when you come back with your cousins 2am and 4am. Don’t even get me started on that Bag 3:30am you brought the other day. I’d like to threaten you but I’m not sure what would scare you enough to stay the heck away. I’ve cried, I’ve raged, I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded but nothing works. Now I am in despair. I’m at the end of my rope. So I’ll ask one more time, could you please, please, please leave me alone? Could you maybe work it so that just two of you come to visit? Think about it because you are killing me and making my entire family insane.

Yours truly,

Rachel

when I grow up

Before our kids were born I was working on an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy. I orginally planned to finish it once our kids got older but I’m not sure that I want to anymore. Part of me feels like it’s a waste not to finish but the rest of me feels like it’s a waste to spend a lot of time and money on something I don’t feel committed to anymore. Having kids has changed my direction and focus. So the question is, what do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be a philanthropist. I’d like to have deep pockets that I could reach into when I hear stories of need. On Sunday I heard about a man who lost everything for the love of his children and wished so much that we could have done more. What school do I go to for a degree in philanthropy?

Some people have a Mother’s helper. How about a Mother’s friend? Someone who comes to visit after your baby is born on a regular basis. Brings healthy food that is ready to eat or easily reheated. Someone who knows the value of high fibre muffins, individually frozen fruit for smoothies, precut bagels and other food you can eat with one hand. Someone who will answer your questions and not tell you to sleep train when your baby isn’t sleeping through the night by 6 weeks or advise a strict feeding schedule when your baby is still eating every 2 hours at 2 months. A Mother’s friend will watch for signs of PPD and help you ward it off before you get there. She’ll know about salmon oil and other important vitamins and supplements. She will hold your baby while you sleep and make you get out of the house for a walk when you really can’t be bothered but need to badly. A Mother’s helper would be someone who knows how to help you get your baby latch, what to do if your baby has jaundis and help you figure out how to use a sling. Someone who won’t judge you when you really aren’t loving your new life but at the same time encourage you to find joy (even if it’s one minute) in every day. Someone really awesome who shows up at your door with lasagna, dessert and chocolate, makes you feel better when you are falling apart and then cleans your toilets while you help someone else. That’s someone I’d like to be when I grow up.

Caterer/baby chef. I love to cook and I’m pretty good at it. I’d love to cater baby showers, smallish parties, brunches… I think I would specialize in baking and desserts. I recently visited a store near us that charges $15 for a dozen cookies that are good but not as good as the ones I make. Their cheese cakes cost $60! And have you noticed how hard it is to buy a decent pie? I’d also like to have a business making homemade frozen dinners. Healthy homecooked fare that comes in individual containers that you can eat after work or a busy day and not feel like you just ate an $8 piece of cardboard slathered in oil. As for the baby chef thing… home made, good tasting baby food sold in individually frozen cubes that you just take out of the bag and heat. I made all of my kids baby food (have you smelled the jarred stuff or tasted how unlike the original food it often is?) and had fun doing it. I could make 2 weeks worth of food in about 2 hours for very, very little money. When they were a bit older I went crazy with lentil stews, white fish with orange, quinoa and barley. People would buy that, wouldn’t they?

For now, I’m going to focus on keeping up with the laundry and dishes, loving my kids and being a supportive partner for my husband but it’s fun to dream a little bit about the days ahead.

I’m alive! I’m alive!

You have no idea how many great posts I have written recently. They were eloquent, funny, touching… brilliant really. The problem is they only lived in my head. Considering I can’t remember what I am doing from one second to the next, all those fabulous posts joined my other lost thoughts and escaped my brain. Apparently my mind is not a happy place to reside right now!

I really want to start posting again so I am just going to start typing and see what comes out. I need to take a bit of time for me and empty my head. I’m hoping that if I create some space in there that the important thoughts like paying my bills on time will stay there!

I have been up since 4:30 this morning after a lovely 4 hours of broken sleep. J has been having a major developmental spurt over the last week or so and has been sleeping rather poorly. When I don’t sleep well for a while (say since May) I tend to get insomnia. I just lay there hoping to sleep when I am so tired and desperately need it. This is how the night went:
11:15 finally get to sleep after very long, long day.
1:20 Nurse baby who falls back to sleep in 15 minutes.
2:00ish Fall back to sleep.
4:14 J Nurse baby, change diaper, sooth, console and rock until he falls asleep around 5ish
5:00 Lay awake staring at the baby in the dark. Think about how cute he is, how much I miss my husband (who has been away since Saturday), make a list of things I need to do tomorrow etc.
5:15 Hear daughter in the bathroom and go see what she is doing (she was wearing a washable “pull up” of sorts and had saturated it and her bed). Change her, clean up mess, put her back to bed)
5:30 Fall back into bed and try to sleep
6:00 Just as I am almost asleep hear daughter bang open our bedroom door and announce that she wants to sleep with me. Move baby to other side of bed, tell her she can sleep with Mommy if she is quiet and actually sleeps and then close my eyes.
6:30 Finally send daughter back to her bed because she is constantly moving, moaning and talking.
6:45 Daughter bangs door open again and announces she wants to watch tv RIGHT NOW. Send her back to her room. Quickly jump out of bed and deal with her temper tantrum and try not to have one myself. Head back to bed where baby is stirring. Pray he goes back to sleep. He does!
7:15 Get startled awake by son who bangs door open to see if I”m awake. Pretend to be asleep. Listen to son and daughter go downstairs to watch tv. Try to sleep.
7:30 Hear baby waking just as I’m falling asleep. Give up. Nurse baby. Change diaper. Go downstairs and make breakfast.
Since then I’ve cleaned the house, put away a mountain of laundry, done 2 more loads, reorganized G’s drawers, bathed the baby, made lunch for my sister and I, made supper, picked up N from school, etc, etc. Now I’m really tired, my house is still a mess (how does that happen?), there is still 3 loads of laundry to do (I swear it multiplies) and I really want a nap. Instead I made a cup of tea, read to my kids, made them popcorn and sat down to write this boring post.

I can’t wait for T to get home. I miss him. The kids miss him. He is one of the few people who actually cares how freaking tired I am and how hard this has been. He knows what a struggle this year has been and how much I have put into keeping our family running through all of our changes. He knows what it has been like to adjust to having 3 kids and living on a newborn’s schedule. He is my safe place and it has really sucked not having him around. I just really want to feel his arms around me and know that it will be ok. Hurry home.

letters

Dear fellow parent,

It was nice to meet you the other day and to have someone to chat with while our kids were taking lessons. Even though we seem to have almost nothing in common (you like big trucks, smoking and power tools and well, I don’t), we had lots to talk about. Here’s the thing though, the toenail picking has to stop. Were you even aware of how totally engrossed you got in ripping off your toenails? Did you catch yourself looking at them up close and then throwing them in a pile behind you? Did you notice that I threw up in my mouth a little bit every time you did that? Please, PLEASE refrain from the “personal grooming” in public or I will likely wretch myself into labour.

Yours truly,

Rachel

Dear Government worker,

I know that people are a pain and that you go though a lot of hassles on a daily basis but seriously, did you have to start out yelling at me? Did you have to roll your eyes at me when I brought you the documents one of your fellow employees told me would suffice? Did you have to look around like I was stupid and then insist I describe the appearance of the individual who gave me such errant advice last week? Did you have to treat me like an idiot who enjoyed wasting your precious time? Maybe next time you could realize how frustrating it is to obtain any government issued document particularly at nine months pregnant, in the ridiculous humidity with two kids in tow for the second time in a week? I’m sure you’re a nice person in your “real” life but I hope I never have to deal with you again. You kind of wrecked that part of my day.

Sincerely,

Rachel

To the Provincial Government,

In the words of my daughter, “you’re stupid”.

That’s all.

Rachel

To my body,

DON’T GIVE UP NOW! I need you to be strong for just a few more weeks. Back, come on. I need some support. If you could stop acting like a broken guitar string every time I move I’d appreicate it. Blood, lay off the pooling in my hips and waking me with stabbing pains every 45 minutes ALL NIGHT LONG. Uterus, get off my bladder, stomach and any other organ you are abusing! And enough with the crowding of my diaphragm already. Seriously parts, you’re all acting like a bunch of broken down old women. I can’t flake out on my responsibilities so if you could keep fulfilling your’s I’d be much happier. Just get me though the next few weeks and I’ll do something nice for you like lose all my baby weight this time! Let’s be a team and we’ll all be better for it.

With love,

Rachel

still climbing…

Last night was a first for us. T and I slept in our house without any kids for the first time in over 5 years! My Mom took both of the kids for a sleepover. They were excited and so were we! We checked out a little Greek place, went for homemade frozen yogurt and then sat under the gazebo on our deck chatting and watching the rain fall. It was good to spend some time together and have a conversation that wasn’t salted with constant interruptions and flying food.

It has been so long since T and I spent time together. I miss him. I really love being a parent and would never change that but sometimes it is so incredibly draining (Ok, it’s exhausting all the time but sometimes more than others!). I find it so ironic that we chose to spend our lives together, decided to have kids to build a family and a future together and then discovered that it is those very children who wreak the most havoc on our relationship.

Having kids has been hard on our marriage. Both of them have been a major adjustment and have brought out different stress for each of us. The year N was born we bought a new car, our first house, I went on maternity leave which cut our budget by over 30%, we had to adjust to having a baby and figuring out how to do life as parents and then T lost his job very suddenly when the company went bankrupt. He got a new job right away that was a total blessing but with it came a lot of craziness of it’s own that I won’t bother getting into. Oh and did I mention the financial strain? Losing several paycheques and our own stupidity gave us both gut rot. So, it was a tough transition!

When G came along she brought different changes to our family. I found going from one child to two completely overwhelming. It was was more than double the work and took me a long time to figure out how to manage. T was working all the time and both of our families lived far away so I was alone a lot. My friends all have kids of their own so I was hardpressed to ask anyone to watch my kids so I could have a break. There were many days that I just couldn’t face a playdate because I couldn’t bear the thought of being around more kids. With four or more kids running around my friends and I didn’t really get a chance to chat anyway so it all felt like a big stressful event rather than a relief. In hindsight, getting out more would have helped but what did I know! I started working at my dayhome again when G was 5 months old. I was pretty much alone with kids all day everyday and a lot of evenings too. No wonder I had a complete meltdown and ended up on anti-depressants!

We have worked really hard at bringing stability and peace back into our lives. Considering the constant pressure we have been under since Christmas, we have manged it all quite well. There have been very few tears or arguments. T has a new job where he works from home. It has been a big personal adjustment for him but a complete blessing for our family. He is here and present in our lives in a way that he has never been able to before. Our new house is amazing. We have family support. Yet, I am afraid. In fact, I’m terrified to have this baby. I feel like I am at the end of my internal resources. We’ve gotten through deciding to move, telling various people (particularly T’s family whom we moved farther away from), T working out the new job, selling and buying houses, packing, moving across the country and for the most part, unpacking. At this point, I’d like nothing more than to go to the cottage for 2 weeks and just hang out. I’d like to focus on building our new lives here and getting our kids really settled. I’d like to join a book club, go camping, go to the market, cook with my husband. Instead, I am washing baby clothes, arranging a diaper service and stocking the cupboards and freezer for the arrival of our newest addition. I don’t know how to emotionally ramp up for another major life event. I’m not sure how the kids are going to adjust to a new sibling. I have no idea where everyone is going to sleep and when on earth I will ever sleep again! I worry about getting to the hospital in time, what we’ll do with the kids and what kind of havoc this birth will wreak on my body. I worry about our marriage and our mental and emotional health.

I guess I’m on that rollercoaster again slowly climbing towards the crest of the hill. I still find myself sweating, teeth chatter, praying out loud that all will be well. Oh, Lord, please let it all work out.

Guess

Know what is worse than having a hacking, persistant, cough-up-your-lungs type cough that only shows up around 7ish and stays just long enough to wreck the whole night’s sleep?

Having that cough when you are pregnant and can’t take anything to help.

Know what’s worse than that?

Having that cough, while pregnant with a useless, lilly-livered bladder.

Questions

1. Why do my children always act their worst on “special” days, like say, ummmm Mother’s Day?
2. How can I feel so excited about moving and so dreadfully sad all at the same time?
3. Who put all that crap in my basement that I have to sort through? Surely it couldn’t have been me.
4. When will this baby inside of me feel real? Oh, and what the heck am I going to do with a third child?
5. Why do my kids have their off moments and killer meltdowns in front of the preschool parents who already think I’m a bit off since we aren’t sending our kids to private school? Why can’t they wait 12 more seconds until we are in the van? Or maybe not at all?
6. Will I get along with my family and see them as much as I hope to after we move.
7. How big am I actually going to get this time around? Will I float better in the lake this summer?

Just a few of the burning questions banging around in my head lately.

Predictions

1. I will spend the entire summer with a sunburned nose and sunglass tan.
2. While playing at the beach with my kids, I will be mistaken for a great white whale (with a sunburned nose and sunglass tan).

I know these things.