busy

Yesterday I was feeling all nostalgic for the city we left behind. Today, I realized that I don’t actually miss the city at all. I hate line ups. I can’t stand rude sales people who don’t even acknowledge your presence except to bark the total of your purchase at you. I despise being cut off repeatedly when I’m carrying a baby in public. Traffic jams drive me crazy. I swear everyone in this city is convinced that their schedule is more important than anyone else’s and that they might die if they have to wait 2 seconds for a pedestrian to finish crossing the street.

Our new city has a lot of crappy restaurants and the stores tend to carry hemp instead of cashmere but the people are kinder and the pace is much gentler. People smile at my baby and I instead of considering us an imposition. I miss my friends but I am so glad we moved.

Oh my dear little blog. How poorly I treat you. How often I ignore you. It’s not that I don’t think of you or want to write here. It’s just that all the posts I start either seem dumb, whiny or end up taking me so long they become irrelevant.

Life is so full these days. I am feeling rather overwhelmed by it all. The move went as well as we could have expected. There were a few minor issues along the way but all in all, it was pretty darn good! The house is amazing. We absolutely love it. There is so much space. So many features that we’ve dreamed of in a home. A fireplace. 4 big bedrooms. A walkout basement. An amazing, private backyard. The kids love it too and feel very comfortable here. As we paint and change fixutres etc it seems more and more like home. Our neighbourhood is great too. People have been very friendly and have made a point of introducing themselves. It seems that anything that is missing from our neighbourhood is on the way. A public school is currently being built at the end of our street (to open September 2008). A huge grocery store is being built 3 blocks away. So pretty much, it’s all good yo!

Tomorrow I am going to be 34 weeks along in my pregnancy. That my friends is beyond crazy. This pregnancy was so unexpected and I have been so busy since we found out about it that I just haven’t really connected with this little one. Makes me feel sort of sad and sort of guilty. I have a sizable tummy that jumps and bounces but somehow I still don’t feel like a baby is going to makes it’s way out in the next several weeks. I feel like this baby deserves better but I’m at a loss as to what I can do. Should I sit on my bed for an hour each day and contemplate my navel? Should I attempt to purchase cute little baby items until I buy into the feeling retailers are selling? Or should I just continue on in my state of ignorance and be shell shocked in a few weeks when little baby so and so arrives? I know that I will love this precious little life once… ta da… he/she is placed in my arms. I just don’t know if I believe it is actually going to happen.

Part of what is making life so difficult right now is that I am finding our two children rather overwhelming. They are non freaking stop. Ceaseless. They are kicking the proverbial crap out of me. They have come though some pretty big changes and I am trying to remember and sympathize with that. They left all that is familiar out west and have adapted pretty well to a totally new life. Most significantly, they left all of their friends behind. Translate all of that into they said goodbye to all of their outlets and hello to “Mommy-our-only-source-of-amusement”. They don’t leave me alone for more than about 10 seconds at a time. Mommy watch this. Mommy help me. Mommy I’m bored. Mommy where is Daddy. Ahhhhhhhhh! Mommy sometimes hides in her bathroom so they can’t find her for 2 minutes. Sure will be fun to add a constantly nursing newborn to the mix! I really don’t want to focus on the negatives but man, this is getting old in a hurry.

Added to the daily challenges is a new resistance to bedtime. Our kids have traditionally been very easy to put to bed. G has often stayed up reading or playing quietly in her bed for about a half an hour but she was quiet and stayed in bed. Now both of them continually come out of their rooms, call for us and if we are lucky, stand at the top of the stairs screaming about how hungry and thirsty they are. Love it!

As my last complaint, G has had diarrhea since we moved and has regressed to the point of pooping and peeing her pants at least 4 times a day. Truly there is nothing like cleaning up crap running down your fully capable 3 year olds legs multiple times a day… with a huge belly! Forgive me for the rant. It has been a bit much and all I can think is that we are going to add to it!

Every night when I go to bed I think to myself, “tomorrow will be a better day”. Tonight is no exception. I am dropping N off at my Dad’s office tomorrow morning to spend the day driving around with Poppa. I know they will both love it. Then G and I are going to hang with my Mom for the day. A little swimming, little baby shopping and a little attempting to figure out where on earth Sears has put the furniture they were supposed to deliver 2 days ago but seem to have completely lost! Should be a better day.

Cheers!

farewell

Dear House,

We have been together for over five years now. Our relationship first started as a bit of a love afair over the internet. I saw you on MLS and I HAD to have you. I just knew that if you and I were together that we would be so happy. I would be the prettiest girl in the neighbourhood with you as my back drop. The first time I saw you, I was sure. You know what they say, when it’s right, you just know. Not everyone was as sure as I was so I had to traipse through countless other homes that just didn’t live up to you until everyone finally agreed with me: you were perfect!

I’m so glad we found each other. That is why saying goodbye is so hard. I will miss you. I’ll miss the way the sun shines in your front windows each morning. I’ll miss sitting in the warm pool of light on my couch. I’ll miss clapping for our children’s concerts on the landing. I will miss watching the kids play from the porch. The sound of their laughter is forever etched in my heart. I will even miss the triple ring of the doorbell each time the neighbourhood kids come calling. I will miss the gardens we have carefully built up to make you look your best, the new light in the foyer, gorgeous hood fan and knobs in the kitchen and dark stained fence in the backyard. I’ll laugh when I remember the ridiculously oversized gate to the driveway that the inept landscapers created. You and I, we knew it was more of a quirk than a flaw! I could go on all day because that is how it is when you are in love.

As much as I love you, we were only meant to be together for a time. I will never forget you. You were our first home. Our first mortgage. My children spent their first days under your roof. They learned to crawl and walk and talk within your walls. We have loved, cried, fought and laughed here. T and I have fallen more deeply in love as a couple while living here. We have struggled to figure out parenting and to model family and faith to our children.

So thank you, dear house for your warmth, security and comfort. Thank you for being our safe place to hide, for enduring my continual desire to change your colours, update your fixtures and change your flooring. Thank you for not minding when your walls were covered in sticky finger prints and when your doors got slammed. You were loved and I hope that the new people will love you and treat you well. If they don’t, you have my permission to burst a water pipe or something.

With love,

Rachel

cooler than we thought

We just got home from our going away party. It was great! A bunch of people who said no or maybe showed up. So I guess we aren’t total loosers afterall! It was wonderful to have so many of our friends in one place at the same time. I can’t help but marvel at the number of children we have all produced over the last 7 years! It felt good to know that our lives have made some sort of a mark here and that we will be missed. It would have seriously sucked to have left and had no one break down in a weepy puddle at our feet begging us to stay!

luh-h-hoosers

One of my girlfriends called me a few weeks ago to tell me she’d like to host a goodbye party for our family. I was super touched and excited about it. The party is tomorrow evening and it looks like almost no one is coming! Turns out we had a really big impact on our friends lives! So much so that very few of the people we hold dear are coming. Wow! There is nothing like the feeling of people being that over you before you even leave. Or knowing that you just aren’t worth the effort! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out…

In brighter news, two of my awesome neighbours are having a goodbye party for our kids this afternoon. There’s going to be lots of ice cream, juice and water guns so it should be a blast! N and G and really excited. I’m so please that they are getting such a nice send off. Living on this street has been such a blessing. We are going to miss it.

N just informed me that he might like to take a trip into outspace afterall, as long as someone comes with him. Guess I better get going!

Little reality check

A lot of people have been asking me lately how I am (we are) handling all the chaos in our lives right now. To be honest, I feel like we’ve gotten through the last few months of upheval and change without a lot of stress. We are confident that we have chosen the right path and have a great deal of peace about all the change. T’s new job has been nothing but a blessing. He is so relaxed and PRESENT in our lives now. Packing has been going really well and all of the details for our move have been coming together really well. Even small things have fallen into place. For example, our alarm contract just ran out so we don’t have to pay a penalty or worry about transfering it. Our cell phone contracts are also up so we can switch to a much less annoying company without any hassle. It’s all just working, ya know. The biggest stress has been the complications with my pregnancy (minor placental hemorrage). There has been a lot of prayer for this baby and my body. The bleeding has stopped, the baby is doing just fine and I’m feeling a million times better. We are so thankful. God continues to be faithful.

The other day a friend of mine wrote to tell me about a tragedy that struck the lives of close friends. Earlier this month their buddy Jake hadn’t been feeling well and went to the doctor. On May 4th he was diagnosed with acute leukemia. His wife who was pregnant with their second child ended up going into labour 5 weeks early and gave birth to a little girl on the morning of May 8th. Later that day, Jake suffered a stroked and died. I was speachless when my friend shared this devastating loss with me. I can not imagine the suffering and pain that Jake’s precious wife is experiencing. How do you cope with your husband being diagnosed with cancer? And then give birth to a premature baby? And then lose the father of your children the same day? My brain can not wrap itself around that series of losses. My heart is broken for that family. For the wife who is grieving her best friend. For the little girls who won’t know their Daddy. It is uncomprehensible.

When I begin to feel overwelmed with the stresses we are dealing with right now I remind myself of Jake and his family. Lining up delivery of new appliances, packing up our house and settling into a new one seem like pretty managable tasks in light of the suffering other people are experiencing. I have my husband, my children and a healthy baby on the way. We are moving to family who love and support us. Our new home is everything we wanted and much more. I am blessed.

I’ll be missing you

Last night T and I were talking about the things we are going to miss about living here. Here are some of mine*:

1. A sense of familiarity. We know and love our neighbours. We know our kids are safe in their houses and with their children. When we’ve been gone for the weekend, they notice and welcome us home. I’m going to miss impromptu chats on the front lawn while we watch the kids running in the sprinkler. I guess it’s a sense of home and belonging that I’m going to miss.

2. Our church. We love the worship, preaching, the kids program, our home group. It will be hard to replace. Again, more than anything we will miss the community aspect and having a sense of being welcome and belonging.

3. Our favourite camping and picnic spots. I’m going to miss being 20 minutes from the mountains. We have spent many enjoyable afternoons exploring various little spots within an hours drive of our home. We also got into camping last summer. I’m sad we won’t get to go back to that amazing little camp ground in the hoodoos near the border. There were so many camp grounds we wanted to explore this summer.

4. The zoo. We live 20 minutes from the zoo and have annual passes. The kids and I have spent countless days checking out our favourite animals and picnicing in the Zoo’s garden. I loved watching my kids learn about habitats, caring for living things, seeing unusual creatures. And yes, we can go to the zoo at our new home but it’s over an hours drive away and VG expensive.

5. Knowing where to find our favourite things. I know where to get the best brie, who has the widest selection of Indian herbs, which vendors we like best at the market, when and where the best used toy and clothing sales are and which Gap has the best sales rack. I have certain grocery stores I go to for certain items. I know the layout of the stores. I don’t even know where the grocery stores are in our new city.

* I didn’t include friends cause that’s pretty much a given.

This is getting serious

I’ve just spent the last couple of hours with my mother-in-law packing boxes. My life is slowly being wrapped in paper or bubble wrap and carefully layered into boxes with little white labels in the upper right corner. While I feel really relieved that packing is going well, there is a growing feeling of dread inside of me. There have been so many times in the last few days that my stomach has lurched and I’ve found myself choking on my heart. Like yesterday when my father-in-law and I were picking up boxes from the moving company and I saw the truck (or at least one like it) that will move us to our new home. You know, the house we are really excited about that I’m not sure I want to move to anymore? In the city I know almost nothing about except that it has a really awesome farmer’s market. In a province with seriously questionable humidity levels. I’m having a hard time remembering why we made this crazy decision. Ah, yes! We will live close to the family I have been missing so dreadfully the last few years.

I know that moving “home” will fill some of the gaping holes in my heart. I just worry about the new holes that will be ripped inside of me when I get on that airplane for the last time. Leaving this home will be so sad. It is our first home and we have put so much of ourselves into it. So much heart work (I know that is a typo but it worked so I’ll leave it). So many tears. So much laughter and love. This is the only home our children have known. It is hard to rip out the roots that we fought to establish. How do you hug a dear friend and then walk away knowing you might not see them again? Knowing that some of those people who are so important to us now will one day be a fond memory? And once we go, how do we start all over again? Who will be my Mel? My Kiristy? My neighbour who feeds my kids popsicles and yells at them when they run on the road?

In the midst of all this, I am trying to hold on to what is good and store it in my heart. Today I’ve captured the scent of my neighbours flowering tree blowing it’s heavy perfume in the front window. I’m treasuring the sound of my children’s belly laugh as Grandpa tickles them. I ate what might be my last vanilla croissant from that brillant Belgian patisserie on the edge of downtown. And I took a mental picture of my little girl smiling at me as she walks down the stairs with her wind blown hair, one sock and a bathing suit. Those are sweet memories that I am thankful for today.

before the crest of the hill

When I was a kid I lived near a large theme park. My family didn’t tend to go to those kind of places (I so can’t picture my Dad kickin’ it with the cartoons and eating the crappy park food) so I had to wait until I was old enough to go with my friends. I think I was about 15 when I went for the first time. I was pumped for my first rollercoaster so as soon as we were through the gates we ran straight to the biggest one. Super smart considering I’m not much of a risk taker, I get car sick in the front seat and I have terrible vertigo! But determined I was! All was good until we were strapped in and slowly ascending towards the crest of the first hill. I could hear the creaking of the chains that pulled us painfully slowly towards what I was sure would be my final demise. I was so scared that I was sweating, my teeth were chattering and I was praying out loud. What exactly was I thinking? I think the terror of not knowing what would happen once we topped that hill was the worst thing. Anticipating something good but not being sure it would deliver.

That’s pretty much what is going on in our lives lately. We are moving across the country 4 weeks today, expecting our third (THIRD) child in 14 weeks and I am scared. Every day that ticks by, every box that gets packed, every goodbye I have to say is like those creaking chains dragging me towards the crest of an unknown hill. We have been anticipating the ride but in these last moments I find myself sweating, teeth chatter, praying out loud that all will be well.

I am reminded of Jeremiah where God promises, “I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for”. So I’m clinging to that as I did the safety bars.

I’m back

Well hello there! It has certainly been a while. Life got a little crazy but I’m ready to be back. I had so much that I couldn’t write here that I just had to stop. We have turned our lives upside down and inside out in the last few months and it’s only getting crazier everyday! The Readers Digest Version is this:
1. T started a new job (and what a great job it has turned out to be!) so that he can work from home because…
2. We are moving 3500km in 5 short weeks to live near my family because…
3. I am pregnant with our third little munchkin!

We have been thinking of moving closer to family for a while now. We love the city we live in but it’s a 7 hour drive from our nearest relative. Too far. We really feel like our kids have been missing out by not having their grandparents, aunts and uncles involved in their lives. This past Christmas we spent 3 weeks with my family with the intention of deciding whether we would move or not. While we were there we got a rather “positive” sign that we should move… a surprise baby! This pregnancy certainly was a shock (turns out that booking the “Big V” is a sure fire way to get knocked up!) but we are happy about our new little love. It has been a big mental adjustment, particularly for me. I was really sick for the first 14 or so weeks which made for a tough transition. I am now 24 weeks along and aside from a few weeks of stress over some complications (a tear in my placenta which has since healed), all is well!

In March we sold our home (so sad since it is the first home we owned and we have so many happy memories there) and bought a new one. We are moving to a smaller city where you can drive 5km in less than 45 minutes and shop at the local market for georgous local produce! With the crazy housing market we were able to buy a house that is almost double the size of our current one for less than we sold ours for. Crazy, no? We are feeling pretty blessed and know that this is happening in God’s timing. Our new house has everything we needed (4 bedrooms, office space, garage) and most of what we wanted (walk out basement, bigger yard, room for a home theatre) and it backs onto beautiful conservation land! The movers are coming on June 12. Is it a problem that we haven’t really started packing?

So that is the update. I’m hoping to post regularly now. Gotta release the crazy now and then!