wallflower

I have a vivid memory of being at a school dance in grade 10. My friends and I were in the middle of the gym head banging to Billy Idol’s Mony Mony. We were laughing like crazy, having a great time. At the end of the song while we were still laughing hilariously at our antics, the music switched to a slow song. My friends all turned to the guys they were dating and started swaying back & forth, arms wrapped around each other as I slowly drifted to the side, wishing myself invisible. I remember standing awkwardly at the side of the gym watching all of the couples, wishing I was one of them. Much to my embarrassment, tears came and I found myself alone in a bathroom stall gulping down tears wishing for Patrick Swayze to come and pull me out by the hand saying, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner”. Pathetic but sadly, true!

In that moment, I felt broken, like there was something wrong with me. I wanted to be in a “relationship”. To have someone who pursued me. Who looked for me in a crowd. Who would hold my hand in the cafeteria, hang out with me on Friday night & send me a red carnation through our school Valentines day fundraiser. I wanted to be part of something and to not feel so alone. Crying in the bathroom stall, my teenage angst took over & I convinced myself that I wasn’t worth it. That no one would want to be with me.

Even though years have passed, I still have moments of similar angst where I feel like I’m the only one who is missing out. At church a few weeks ago, I was taking pictures during worship for a project we’re working on. Through my lens, I noticed people worshipping in a different way that I usually do. I saw how absorbed they were. How connected they seemed to be. So many people were engaged in a level of worship that I’ve never experienced. Maybe it’s because I usually have three children hanging on me, needing to go to the bathroom, wanting a flag, asking for a snack, for another marker and so on. Maybe it’s because I’m constantly distracted but that day, I felt like I was the only person not getting it. I left church that morning with all too familiar feelings of brokenness and a sense that there was something wrong with me. I want to connect with God. To feel his love in a real way. To experience intimacy and not feel so alone in the middle of a crowd. I want it but I don’t know how to get there. That frustrates me and saddens me. I wonder what is it going to take for me to get it?

Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way or am I the only wallflower, wishing I was part of the dance?

reason

One of the reasons why I haven’t posted in ages is because I couldn’t figure out what this blog is about & why on earth anyone would care to read it. I started blogging as an opportunity to express the things that bang around inside my head. As a stay at home Mom, I often felt isolated. Writing here was a way of reaching out and connecting.

After a while I realized that I wasn’t writing or posting to be creative and to express myself. I was posting to impress. To build up my stats. To get more hits. I felt sad when I didn’t get comments and then I felt lame for even caring so I just stopped. I don’t want to do fun projects with my kids to impress you. I don’t want to take pictures so you will comment. I just want to be me & to live the life God has given me.

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been on an inward journey over the last year. I hit that mid 30’s mark where many people start looking at their lives a little differently. Where you realize that if some things don’t change that you won’t be able to keep going. I was tired & sad & burnt out and I was sick of letting life just happen to me. I wanted to live with joy. With intention & purpose.

I spent some time with a counsellor and talked about the parts of my story that I didn’t like to tell. The hurts. The loneliness & feelings of rejection that I carried with me. The heavy weight of always feeling responsible for everyone around me. Of needing things to be perfect but knowing they never will be. The crushing weight of never feeling like I am enough. The sadness that flowed from the broken parts in our marriage. In the telling came healing & freedom. I found a different way.

More important than anything else, I’ve been experiencing the presence of God in a way I never have before. I have known about Jesus all of my life but I haven’t always known him. I realize that a lot of people think that is totally nuts and I’m ok with that because in a way, there is something a little crazy about it. This is what I know, Jesus is real & he makes a difference in my life. People can laugh & mock & put down my intelligence & stop reading here (if there is anyone left!) but here’s the thing: the only way I know how to live this life of mine is to do it with Christ.

Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ
(Fire Fall Down by Hillsong)

So that is what I want my life to be about. That is what I want my blog to be about. That is what I want to live & breath. It’s what I want you to see in my images. In our family time. In our businesses. In my life. I just don’t care about the rest of it because for me, there is no purpose without the love of God.

joy

When I watch my children play, I see a freedom and joy in them that is often missing in my ever so grown up, silly-busy, responsible, to-do list filled life. I love how they just let themselves be who they are and what they feel in that moment instead of being caught up in have to’s, need to’s and worry over what someone might think. There is joy in every day. As I learn to be more like a child- eager, anticipating, willing to try and risk and live out dreams- joy comes.

How about you? What is bringing you joy these days?

push

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the front porch watching the kids play. In the garden to my left, I noticed a piece of moss sitting at an odd angle. I got down on my knees right there in the dirt so I could give it a closer inspection. Underneath the moss were three little tulips pushing the moss aside on their way towards the light.

Isn’t life a lot like that? Sometimes, before we can grow to our full height, we need to push large obstacles out of our way. Just like those tulips, we can’t do it on our own. We need to stand with our community and do it together. And when that big piece of moss finally falls to the side, the sunshine feels so good, doesn’t it?

Happy weekend! Go find some sun.

punked?

Dear Children,

Am I being punked this week? It sure feels like it.

At first I thought it was a coincidence that you were all acting up at the same time. On Monday I thought you guys were exhausted from the busy weekend. My excuse for you on Tuesday was that you were tired from staying for lunch at school and not eating enough. Then Wednesday rolled around and brought with it a fresh batch of misery. That’s when I started to get suspicious.

I’m wondering when you hold your secret planning meetings? Do you meet at night when Daddy and I are sleeping? Who chairs those meetings? Maybe you meet by the water fountain at school, make your plans and then bring your brother up to speed when you get home? I’m really curious.

I’m thinking it goes something like this: “Things have been running too smoothly around here lately. It’s time to SHAKE it up and turn the house upside down. We need to band together and tag team if we are going to make this happen. Mr. Baby, you need to start waking up yelling at 5:45. As soon as Mom crawls back into bed, G and Tuck will start a fight in the bathroom. Then they need to keep fighting over EVERY.LITTLE.THING.FOR.AS.LONG.AS.POSSIBLE. Got that? FIGHT LOTS. And don’t forget to cry. Especially at bedtime. We all need to have HUGE flailing temper tantrums every night for absolutely no reason. Refuse to brush your teeth. Cry when you have to wear long sleeved pj’s but then cry harder if they let you change them. Cry about everything! What else? Oh, yeah! Mom hates it when we don’t eat. Let’s all go on a total food strike! Refuse to eat anything, especially our favourites. Got all that? Don’t sleep, don’t eat, temper tantrums, make messes, fight lots. Goooooooo team!”.

However it goes down, I’M ON TO YOU! The next time you hold one of your little meetings you better remind yourselves who knows where the stash of Halloween candy is…

Lots of love,

Mom

yes we can

Typically I avoid politics. I can’t stand how worked up some people get over certain platforms and issues (death threats… get real). I hate that all too often politics (and politicians) are divisive instead of unifying and inspiring. Unethical, greedy, apathetic… just some of the words that come to mind when I think of politics. Our recent Canadian election was an excellent example of why I have been known to say that I will lock my children in a barrel if they ever aspire to being a politician.

HOWEVER….

Last night was AWESOME! For the first time in my life I found myself wishing I was an American. I wish that I had the opportunity to feel so proud of my country and to be able to vote for hope, for change, for something different and positive. I was crying as I listened to Obama speak. He is not perfect, not is his platform but his MESSAGE is something that I can get behind. His message of unity and hope, of listening and finding common ground, of compromise and positive change. THAT is what I hope for my children and their futures.

Yes we can. I cried again as I listened to the people shouting with tears running down their faces. Who wouldn’t want that to be the hearts cry of their nation? Of their leadership? Of their children? There are too many nay sayers in our world. I am thankful to live in a time when millions of people stood together and kicked history’s butt. Oh, yes we can!

by the grace of God

This morning I found out that a friend from college lost her husband in a car accident on Saturday. He was 33 years old. They have a four year old, a two year old and are expecting their third child in October. My friend is a widow at 32. She is planning her husband’s funeral while she sits at her daughter’s bedside in a hospital hours away from their home. One minute they were driving to BC with a summer of swimming, camping and bbq’s ahead of them and the next, tumbling through the air, forever changed. It is truly beyond me.

At times today I felt almost panicky thinking about it. I have always struggled with the fear that something terrible will happen to my husband or my children. I have a hard time letting my kids drive with anyone other than my husband or I. The first time they slept away from home I was nearly sick. It’s even hard for me to leave them so I can enjoy some grown up time. I welcome the break but find waving goodbye so very hard. What if it’s the last time I see one of them? Last weekend I found tears running down my face as I backed out of the driveway for a much needed night away. All three of my kids were waving madly and my husband was laughing. I took a mental snap shot of their beautiful, smiling faces and trusted that God would walk us through whatever lay ahead. It’s not that I’m morbid or that I spend a lot of time playing out imaginary scenarios in my head but when I hear about accidents like the one that happen to my friend, I think, “that could have been us”. It was only a year ago that we were driving on that same stretch of highway, at times through heavy rain and fog. Several times I took off my seatbelt and reached into the backseat to help one of the kids. It could have been us but by the grace of God, it wasn’t.

Last week I took my eldest to an allergist appointment an hour away. About half way into our drive we both needed to go to the bathroom. There is a Tim Horton’s on the corner where two highway’s intersect. As I was completing my turn into the parking lot, our back bumper was struck by a semi-truck that had been driving behind us. There was very little damage to our van since it was really just a graze but never-the-less, we were hit by a semi (Incidentally, the driver flipped me “the bird” and continued on his merry way. Later, the police discovered that his plates were stolen.)! When I thought about what happened later that day all I could think was that my son was sitting in that corner of the van and if we had been just one or two seconds later… well, the outcome might have been quite different. By the grace of God, it wasn’t.

It’s hard not to be overwhelmed by the fragility of life. I now have three friends my age who are widows with young children. Last week a woman I have been praying for died of cancer. She was 35 and had two young boys. My brother’s childhood friend had emergency brain surgery last week to remove an aggressive tumor and will find out his future prognosis this week. That doesn’t even take the news into consideration. Africa, Iraq, China…

When I hear of human tragedy, part of me would like nothing more than to put my fingers in my ears, close my eyes and sing, “lalalalalala”. Instead, today I didn’t worry about the chores that needed to be done when my kids wanted a hug or a story or an airplane ride, I went into my husband’s office just to tell him that I love him and I made sure we all ended the day well. These are all things I try to do everyday but today, I was more mindful. I am reminded to live and give my best and to walk in thanks for God’s amazing grace.

redefined

I’ve got to tell you, my world is a better place these days. Since my sleep deprived insanity has lifted, I find myself actually looking forward to the days ahead of me instead of plotting ways to escape them. The headache I had for three straight months is gone. I haven’t thrown up from exhaustion in over a month (except for the day my perfectionism overtook me and I attempted to shovel 40 cm of snow from the driveway by myself and ended up nearly passing out and then puking for 2 hours… I’m thinking I’m a bit out of shape?). I am enjoying playing with my kids. Helping them make balloon fish. Baking and cooking for reasons other than sustenance. Taking pictures. Being creative. I’ve started knitting again and I just MIGHT finish the scarf I started for my sister in December 2006 but you know, don’t count on it Bisto! I’ve also been slowly working through the backlog of details that need my attention but I never had time or brains for. Stuff like paying bills on time, submitting receipts to insurance for reimbursement, calling the government to find out why on earth I’m still not receiving any money for the baby I had back in August.

It feels good to lie down at night and know that my day was successful. I’m a list maker and it gives me a huge sense of accomplishment to to see my whiteboard full of slash marks at the end of a day. Much more importantly, I have been able to fall asleep at night without agonizing over all the things I screwed up during the day and the ways that I failed my children, my husband and let’s be honest, everyone around me. Before all I could think about was the times I yelled, said no because I was too tired or said yes and didn’t come through. I was heavy with guilt over the times I was late, meals I didn’t make, crafts I didn’t do, books that remained on the shelf, time that wasn’t spent, interest we paid because I forgot, cards and gifts I wanted to buy but didn’t… With sleep came freedom. I could be more like the person I want to be and was able to let go of the guilt that did nothing but hold me deeper under the water I was already drowning in.

I have also been able to accept that we have a new normal. The reality for us is that three children is a whole lot more kids than two, especially when one is a baby. There is a level of chaos that never dissipates. Since I found out I was pregnant with Baby J, I have assumed that once he was sleeping through the night that life would return to normal. The funny thing is, I can’t remember what that is anymore! I know that our life is busier. There is more to balance and do in a day but it is also much richer and deeper. And busier…

Accepting a new sense of normal also means redefining what is possible and being realistic about what we can all handle. Last week I purchased a chicken with the intention of cooking a full Easter meal for our family. I wanted to do something special to mark Easter and for me, that is often expressed through good food. Once the weekend drew closer, I saw how busy we had been during the week. That G wasn’t feeling well. That our house was a mess and needed to be cleaned. I looked around my kitchen and realized that in order to cook a big dinner that I would have to first clean it and then start again. My perfectionistic side wanted to make it all happen but in my heart, I knew that there would be a cost to the wonderful meal that was too high. This Easter we went to McDonald’s (insert gag) for lunch because that was what our kids really wanted to do and then we had friends over and made home made pizza’s for supper. Sunday was an amazing day. If I had pushed through and made that fancy dinner we might not have taken the time to have a life changing conversation with our son. That was a big wake up for me.

Our new normal is going to include more of the word, “no” and “how about this instead?”. We are going to disappoint people sometimes, including ourselves (we recently decided not to continue attending a home group we enjoy because it is not working for our family right now) but I can live with that way more easily than crippling guilt and a broken family.

Tiny pushes

I long to accomplish great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. ~Helen Keller~

verbal diarrhea

I’d like to post more. Really, I would. The thing is, I don’t have time. I’m hard pressed to go pee without someone screaming at the door so you can imagine how difficult it is to get through an entire post. Nearly impossible. I also don’t have a lot that is really worth sharing right now. My kids do say all kinds of funny things that I wish I recorded more (like the fact that G offered baby J her bedroom and said that she would “sleep in Daddy’s office or somewhere really” when she heard that he needed his own room but we didn’t know what we were going to do or N’s insistence on calling those handy little directions or how to’s, if you will, that come with games and DIY things “in-constructions”). Otherwise, I’m feeling rather negative and surly and really, who wants to read that crap?

The truth is that I’m tired and worn out. Big surprise. I have a baby that generally doesn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time. 2 other kids that get me running around like one of my sister’s crisis patients and a husband who is over tired and retreating to his man cave (I loath the man cave). I know that it’s a time of life thing but it’s sucking right now to the point that I want to smack myself for ever even thinking of having four kids (really, WHAT. WAS. I. THINKING?). All I want is to go to bed when I am ready to and be able to sleep until a reasonable hour (not for an hour. UNTIL a reasonable hour). I need some sleep and I’m getting kind of pissed off about it. My get up and go is gone. To be honest, I’m even starting to feel mad at God and found myself giving him a rather cranky speech last night (I know, I know. Model Christian. Excellent demonstration of faith). Basic eating has even become a challenge with not being able to eat any dairy or eggs. I’d just like to pour myself a bowl of cereal or have a little yogurt when I drag my sorry self out of bed in the morning but I can’t do that anymore. And then I feel a bit resentful that I’ve had to totally change my eating for my baby and he doesn’t even have the decency to sleep! Truth be told, I’d eat nothing but boiled seaweed if it would help him but I’m just feeling sorry for myself and acting like a grumpy old sow.

While I’m allowing myself a rant, I would like to say that I am sick of having to deprogram my kids for a month after Christmas. They are acting entitled and rather ungrateful. I’m done with that. So very done with it. I’m not sure exactly what we are going to do about it but I swear that this was the last Christmas we allow our children to be totally sold out to the commercial side of Christmas. I doubt they even registered that we were meant to be celebrating the birth of our Saviour. That precious little baby changed the world and do you know what we did about it this year? Not much. I am ashamed by that. I am embarrassed by the attitudes we have allowed to foster in our children and the sea of excess they live with (though good intentions but none the less…). We have a serious problem here in North America with coveting and hoarding and excess and I don’t want that for my kids. Our goals for this year are simplicity and joy. That’s what I want to give my kids because they can carry that into their future’s much longer than the plastic toy of the moment on their lists.

I warned you that I’m cranky! At least I was honest. Now what was that I said about joy…?