reason
One of the reasons why I haven’t posted in ages is because I couldn’t figure out what this blog is about & why on earth anyone would care to read it. I started blogging as an opportunity to express the things that bang around inside my head. As a stay at home Mom, I often felt isolated. Writing here was a way of reaching out and connecting.
After a while I realized that I wasn’t writing or posting to be creative and to express myself. I was posting to impress. To build up my stats. To get more hits. I felt sad when I didn’t get comments and then I felt lame for even caring so I just stopped. I don’t want to do fun projects with my kids to impress you. I don’t want to take pictures so you will comment. I just want to be me & to live the life God has given me.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been on an inward journey over the last year. I hit that mid 30’s mark where many people start looking at their lives a little differently. Where you realize that if some things don’t change that you won’t be able to keep going. I was tired & sad & burnt out and I was sick of letting life just happen to me. I wanted to live with joy. With intention & purpose.
I spent some time with a counsellor and talked about the parts of my story that I didn’t like to tell. The hurts. The loneliness & feelings of rejection that I carried with me. The heavy weight of always feeling responsible for everyone around me. Of needing things to be perfect but knowing they never will be. The crushing weight of never feeling like I am enough. The sadness that flowed from the broken parts in our marriage. In the telling came healing & freedom. I found a different way.
More important than anything else, I’ve been experiencing the presence of God in a way I never have before. I have known about Jesus all of my life but I haven’t always known him. I realize that a lot of people think that is totally nuts and I’m ok with that because in a way, there is something a little crazy about it. This is what I know, Jesus is real & he makes a difference in my life. People can laugh & mock & put down my intelligence & stop reading here (if there is anyone left!) but here’s the thing: the only way I know how to live this life of mine is to do it with Christ.
Cause I know that you’re alive
You came to fix my broken life
And I’ll sing to glorify
Your Holy name, Jesus Christ
(Fire Fall Down by Hillsong)
So that is what I want my life to be about. That is what I want my blog to be about. That is what I want to live & breath. It’s what I want you to see in my images. In our family time. In our businesses. In my life. I just don’t care about the rest of it because for me, there is no purpose without the love of God.
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